Life and things letters from January 2023

 Saturday 6th January 2024

Hiya Hun

I realise I have to continue by typing. I can't get comfortable sat writing by hand at the moment and I'm so tired. my back and feet are aching from standing doing miquelle hair last night. it took 8 hours and we had to go to town first for pre stretched hair because I had bought the wrong kind. I can't use unstretched at all. 

I'm just laying propped up by pillows on the sofa watching TV. 

I never watched TV in my old apartment. I felt uncomfortable there. I felt evil spirits there so I had to play prayers all the time.

I'm much more comfortable here but I need to get it fixed up and get unpacked and I do wish the bedrooms were a tiny bit bigger. they're very tiny but once painted and unpacked my stuff I'm sure they will be fine. 

Sheldon was going to come up so I could braid her hair but Dejeaun was being an asshole an inbs mood and wouldn't babysit Omari whilst she came here because he was tired as had worked all week he didn't want the responsibility of Omari for over 8 hours whilst Sheldon came here, sat down to get done and then walked back home again

to be honest I'm glad I would only be halfway through by now and my body feels exhausted. all I can do is lay here all snuggled up warm in my fluffy robe and under the duvet with my hot water bottle.

i desperately need a pedicure. I was going to go on Monday after I went to the dentist in the morning but not sure if I will make it. depending how I feel Monday I may cancel my appointment. I didn't expect to have to rush to town yesterday to buy the different hair so going on Monday morning is not appealing to me. especially a morning appointment. 

I will just see how I feel. if I can force myself to go there I will go get a pedicure after. I'm supposed to go to Natalie's too to swap Xmas gifts but the thought of all that in one day feels exhausting to even think about plus I need to Really sort out my bedroom and move out as much as I can because the decorator is coming Tuesday and somehow we need to make space so he can move what furniture is left out away from the walls and paint. God knows what he will do with the bloody bed. it's taking up 3/4 of the room. I struggled today to change my bedding for first time since I moved in because I've not been sleeping on it for about two weeks I been back sleeping on the sofa.

I really need a new sofa by the end of the year. the cushions are all flattened down due to me constantly sitting and laying on it for four years and the springs under the cushions are coming out... I've put cushions under the seat cushions as a temporary fix but by end of year I need to have saved for a new one. I will keep the smaller one as that one is in perfect condition still. 

later

I fell asleep very early. woke up about 3am. just made miquelle her pasta meal for her packed lunch she needs for her rehearsals today she will be gone out all day. I put it in the fridge in a tupperware box until just before she leaves. 

I made a garlic baguette with cheese for my self. my wisdom teeth are in so much pain at the side though I can barely chew. I didn't enjoy it.

Now I will be awake until probably after lunchtime then get really tired if I can stay awake until evening it will be a miracle. 

I brushed my teeth twice. once when I woke up then once after I just ate. 

I had been feeling in high spirits for a few days but my period started today AND I felt vaginal thrush/yeast coming on too so I'm on my period but feeling itchy inside. I ordered a monistat pessary online and have to wait for my period to be over to use it. I suddenly feel depressed. 

Miquelle is back at school from Monday.

I think that prison guy stopped phoning me. he didn't try today. All week I had flu and didn't want to talk to him at all. he kept calling and I put my phone on silent or airplane mode. then last night he was calling I was braiding so I had told his mom to tell him I wasn't taking calls. Tonight he didn't try to phone. 

I don't even care. I can't be arsed with talking on the phone every day. it's draining to me and nothing much to talk about anyway. They put him in maximum security saying he has an enemy. he says he doesn't know what they talking about but they took all his property. I feel sorry for him but it's not my problem or responsibility at all. 

He asks funny questions like 'what size are my feet?' his are tiny. he's a UK size 6! That's Miquelle & Zaniyah feet size and a regular woman size. I'm a 7 UK size and so is Sheldon. 

I just can't be bothered with it all. I know he's lonely but I can't help that. I'm at a stage in life I don't care anymore. I don't care about talking on the phone or meeting anyone or anything to do with any man. You say you are ready to retire your pussy. I think mine is in retirement. I just have no interest in it. I don't even masturbate any more. I have no sexual desire at this time 

Sunday 7th January 2024

7am

I noticed so many of the penpal type women are all white, married, Christian, homestead types with families and not financially unstable. 

Those types never write back in the past when I've wrote to them. 

I kinda feel envious of their lifestyles in a way. it seems so wholesome and a lot have never really had too much of struggling in life. 

I can't be bothered to write to anybody else other than you. it takes all my time and energy to write you. I can't be bothered to send letters to people who won't write back. I don't want to tell them about my sad shitty life. I don't have nothing in common with them at all. I'm not interested in Jesus. I'm not interested in people who are still raising young children. it's like a closed door to me. a time that has long gone for me, yet those women are the same age as me for the most part. 

Then there's the older ones but they too all seem to say on their ads that they are happily married to their best friends, they like things I can't fathom sitting doing like crochet and they take walks on the beach and do. up the garden with the husband. they are the types who decorate their houses to the extreme for Christmas with huge coordinated trees and nutcrackers and decorations everywhere. They make baked goods in nice kitchens and They like to write to similar people to themselves. I never know what to say to them.

And then there's a few that are butch manly looking lesbian types. They are not for me either. 

Someone sent me some friendship books too and I just don't see the point of them at all. it's a waste of postage to me. 

Thank you to God I found you all those years ago to write to. You're the one who understands and I grown to love you. I just wish WE BOTH HAD THOSE HAPPY WHOLESOME TYPES OF LIFE instead of the lives we have had to lead. 

11am 

Today is a bad day. I'm just laying here. crying about Julian. Eating everything in sight. I've ate two bags of chips, a chocolate bar, a cereal bar, a piece of cake 

Monday 8th January 2024

Today the dentist cancelled my appointment so I never went out. 

I slept all day. got up did some laundry. finished tidying Miquelle bedroom up. took the trash out. then some teenagers started to bang on my door and windows shouting 'fuck off'. 

idiots. if they start causing more trouble I will call the police. THEY can fuck off. 

Decorator is back tomorrow

Not sure how he will make space for the painting work in either bedroom but we will cross that bridge tomorrow when it comes to it. 

I doubt I will go out now until Saturday. Miquelle wants to go buy her new ballet shoes 🩰 she's on toe shoes now. pointe shoes they're called my dad is paying. 

I want to go out with her to call in some shops myself and go to Natalie's as I never went today. 

I just didn't have it in me to get up and get ready to go. 

I didn't shower since Saturday or wash my hair. it felt too much effort to do it all. I been in my same pyjamas and dressing gown since Saturday night. I will shower in morning before decorating man comes....

Sheldon never came for her hair on Saturday. not sure if I said? Dejeaun was being an asshole. 

I think she wants to come tomorrow. 

I'm telling decorator he has to start the bedrooms now. the sitting room is done ... I heard him say he wanted to give it another coat of paint in here but I can't cope with that at all. he needs to start the other rooms. 

right to your emails now. I will answer these first and then your handwriting letter. I aim to mail you on the 20th January!! 

EMAIL DATED 29th December 2023

CLEANING/ORGANISING 

No matter how much I tidy and clean too my apartment gets back into a mess same way.

right now it's difficult too as I've not fully unpacked

I need to get myself sorted here as soon as the decorator has finished I'm just going to get everything unpacked. that should be the start of February. then I'm going to have absolutely NO clutter and then I can keep clean and tidy easily

 I want to have nothing that is not ESSENTIAL

I AM ALSO going to reduce down the amount of clothing I have so it ALL fits on ONE rail

 

by February I should buy all Miquelle new bedroom furniture and by Start of March pay someone to assemble it all. Then she has NO EXCUSE FOR A MESSY BEDROOM EITHER

Tuesday 9th January 2024

I'm waiting for the decorator to come so I can find out what room he's planning to do today then once he gets started I am going up to Sheldon's so I can do her hair. I thought it's better I go to hers because Omari has toys there and they have the TV channels on their TV that he likes to keep him occupied. plus I will get out for a bit and I needed to buy some bread and some other bits from the shop anyway. I don't really want to stay here all day whilst the decorator is here but I know I will be most of the days hes here. he's going to be here about three weeks. I hate people in my space. 

he joked that by the time he's finished here I will be sick of him... well he's ok but I'm already sick of him coming round and he's barely started yet. 

I just don't know where he's going to start today. I can't cope with my sitting room being upheaved again and I swear it looks fine to me but he said to my dad he wanted to do one more coat of paint🤦🏼‍♀️ 

I want him to start Miquelle bedroom tbh

yesterday evening I hated. those horrible stupid teenagers were outside banging on my window and knocking on the door a few times shouting 'Fuck Off' I decided to ignore them because I figured they would get bored. I can't remember if I told you this? they did seem to get bored as they were not out there long but I still hated it.

I'm so sad about your glaucoma. you gotta TRY think positively if you can. they can do all sorts these days to fix things. there must be something that you can do. but I'm praying for you not to loose your sight Cookie.

Wednesday 10th January 2024

So the decorator started with the hallway and says he will do hallway, then the bedrooms, then the bathroom and then the kitchen. I went out yesterday to do Sheldon hair and OMG doing her hair was soooooooo different and difficult to doing mixed or afro hair!! it was half impossible. her hair just kept slipping in my hands. it was something I will never do again!!!

Today I'm just chilling on the sofa doing nothing today. the decorator is painting the hall still but I'm just laying on sofa cuddled up in a HUGE fluffy hoodie that Dejeaun and Sheldon got me for Xmas and my duvet with Neo the cat. 

I'm still really sad and gutted the grey cat just ran off. it's heartbreaking. he was such a lovely cat. 

on another note; when I got home last night there luckily was NO teenagers outside the apartment and none came near all night. let me hope and pray it stays that way! 

anyway continuing your EMAIL DATED 29th December 2023

CLEANING/ORGANISING 

I love how you bind my letters into booklets with staples and tape ect...  

I need more office supplies. when I get my bedroom set up properly with my desk in order with computer 🖥️ switched on and a new printer I want cute tapes, stickers, a staple gun, hole puncher Ect just like you! lol 

 I order groceries online every 7-10 days so there's a good supply of fresh stuff in the apartment. I try to order two meats usually chicken and mince to cook twice with in the week when I get my groceries AND/OR I buy frozen mince or diced chicken you can cook from frozen too so I have stuff to cook whenever I am in the mood as well as I buy convenience foods like fries, chicken strips, popcorn chicken, frozen pizza for when I do not want to cook. I also started to buy microwave meals/TV dinners I think you call them because I just feel so lazy lately and I just can't be bothered at all. 

I spent so much time in my life trying to prove I could cook and I wasn't worthless white girl that couldn't do anything and it got me NOWHERE so I refuse to be food shamed any more.  I just do me, whatever I want to do.

I just bought a small sandwich toaster for £14 with my last grocery order and I swear I been using it like every damn day to make cheese and onion toasted sandwiches! I'm obsessed loool..

I've been buying a lot of UHT long life milks too as well as one 2 litre fresh milk every time I do online grocery order because I do not want to run out of milk living here because the shop is not close to me at all anymore. I been so spoilt living right next to the shop for ten years. it's gone so quickly m I remember the day I moved in and discovered there was a shop behind that apartment and I was so happy. Now it's been and gone and ten years been and gone and now I'm somewhere else and I been here a month already and we're almost 2 weeks into the month! 

I spend between £50 - £100 a week on groceries depending how much money I have OR what we need. This week I need Coffee, Tea, laundry detergent, those things are all adding on to my bill. 

if I'm really broke I don't buy sweet treats or potato chips ect.. but I HATE those weeks. I like to have good snacks in to eat too as well as essential foods. 

I'm trying to do my groceries right now and so far it's up to just under £100 but I Want to cut it down to maybe £70 if I can... although I don't think I can. honestly you just end up depriving yourself of things you need and I'm sick of being deprived for fucks sake I don't have much else left in life, I at least should get decent groceries shopping 

I'm dying here not smoking weed or even tobacco. I think soon I will start again. once I bought Miquelle her bedroom furniture I will start on it again. Maybe last time I just got so depressed on it because I was with Mark and felt depressed with him TRYING TO CONVINCE MYSELF that I was happy with him when I was lying to myself because I was miserable and hated everything about him even the crappy sex I was trying to say I preferred him to Julian well that was a huge fat lie for a start. 

I've not ordered take out for ages. I'm trying to save money and especially here where we live we haven't had even one take away yet. we tried to order one but they said they couldn't deliver all the way out here so miquelle was upset about that. 

we last ate out a couple weeks ago at McDonald's just before Xmas. I had McChicken Big Mac and loved it. it was new item on the Xmas menu. 

I'm going with miquelle to get her new ballet shoes I decided as I need to go out and get some other stuff and the shop is all the way in Rotherham so it makes a change I hope tomorrow so if so we will get McDonald's again I think and I hope it's still on the menu ! if not I will get a 1/4 pounder meal. 

no Miquelle has started to eat in her bedroom again. I don't eat in mine. I've hardly used it. I e been just in the sitting room even to sleep I've been on the sofa again 🤦🏼‍♀️ for WEEKS now 

I'm STILL in pain about Julian. I was crying eyes out other night. I just loved his stupid bones so much and we were so compatible hygiene wise and personalities and sexually. I just hate him so badly how he done me so fucked up. it hurts so badly. 

UNPACKING

We not really done a whole heap of unpacking yet because of waiting for the apartment to be painted we can't really unpack until that's done OR Miquelle needs her new bedroom furniture because she needs to have the space and storage that she doesn't have right now. 

(I just want to go to sleep today honestly and I can't because decorator is here and I got music on the TV I wouldn't usually have one at all because he likes to play his radio but it's a bit broken and I think he feels shy to put it on but I said he could. I hate this modern music soooo bad .... it's all lyrics I don't agree with at all really I'm just not a music person. not into new music. 90s and 00s music makes me feel weird like a lot reminds me of the prison years and also reminds me of being young and still having so much positivity and hope and vitality for life that's all gone now and all lost. 

Sheldon was a bit upset yesterday because she's 26 in February. she starting to feel old. I feel bad for her. I remember being that age and then suddenly I was 41. it goes so quickly it's unreal. I was 25 when I got out of jail and 27 when I moved back to this city and I was, despite all the trauma with Miquelles dad and getting over having a nervous breakdown with all the grief they gave me in that neighborhood from him and his family I recovered and was still full of hope and ambition. Then I moved back to this town and I was so depressed here but I had literally no choice and didn't know what else to even do. I still tried to have hope. then I had relationship with idiot calle Zeegan I don't like to even think of at all it was so awful. he was biracial half white half black and said he hated black people UGH idiot... and he treated me like total shit. I told you years ago but I know it was when we were new friends and so long ago in 2011/12 (I need to write about all this in my memoirs.) 

I had another mental breakdown living in that first house I was in back in this city. it was on the opposite side of the valley to where I live now, but the same postal code S14. it's like I can't get away from here. my ancestors used to own the land. Did I tell you?? Spring Close View and Spring Close Mount were on land my family owned in early 1900s after they came from Russia there was a house called Springfield House around this site and the houses my family owned that my dad grew up in is literally across the big road from me where the bus goes up. 

I almost got hit by a car last night trying to cross that road when I got off the bus there's no crossing so I had to basically run for it and a car came out of nowhere but slowed down in time. I took a zopiclone when I got in to calm me down. with my other meds at same time as it was only early and it knocked me right out all night.

In my memoir I want to write from being a child, a teen, jail, getting out of jail, Peckham (where I had lot of trouble with Miquelle dad AND the kids getting back to the world after six years in jail) moving back to Sheffield that struggle and the kids acting out how hard it was raising them up, going university three times, working, all the abusive failed relationships, two nervous breakdowns, the kids growing up, Julian.. I have HEAPS to write about. SO much.... 

So anyway moving on .......

NEED & WANT TO DO AROUND THE PLACE

Well firstly is getting it all put together once all the painting is finished. 

I HATE the bathroom so doubt I will do my little Mermaid theme because I can't relax in there anyway and the shower has no power at all. I bought a bucket so I can throw the water over me the way we used to in the Trini house when I was a teenager (I couldn't stay there. The mom sent all the kids back to Trini except the youngest Marko whose father was in England but she had split up from him he went off with another woman. She find out where he was and took me with her round there to confront him but he wouldn't come out and was shouting abuse about me being a white devil through the letterbox on the door)

I just want it painted then for me to unpack properly and totally declutter. I don't want ANY clutter or ANYTHING that we don't actually use. Then I want that small little bedroom to be completely empty (at moment it has all our bags of clothes we didn't unpack yet) I want to have only one rail of clothing and intend to throw out anything that I don't wear or WON'T wear! 

Once that small bedroom is empty I want to buy a bed for it so it can be used as a little guest bedroom so Zaniyah can stay if she decides to talk to me again or if anyone else comes to stay over. 

Cookie I'm literally dreading this ... surely it won't happen but KYRELL message me other day....you know the gorgeous one in Atlanta Georgia who I said could have more than one wife if he wanted I don't care less I still would be his other wife... well we not been talking much lately but he messaged me again out the blue he IS making plans ... he's asked his probation about travelling to England and they said he can if he had permission to and he is trying to save some money for his airfare to come see me for a while 

Cookie,, OMG part of it is FANTASY. I DONT HAVE THE ENERGY FOR NO KYRELL!... having to shave and bathe plenty I can't be bothered with it all. imagine if he ends up saying he's raised his airfare?? then what do I say???   it could be the best time of my life OR the biggest nightmare!!! 

Well back to the question again...also I want to get my kitchen decor to and the curtains and comfortable set I seen with the moon n stars on for my bedroom too but that's literally about it.. I need to get curtains poles and the decorator will put them up for me too. I will get them on the 20th January when I get my disability money I think. I'm trying to save for Miquelle furniture but it's like there is always more to spend my money on 

Yes my floors are installed beautifully I love them they did a fantastic job and it sounds like it cost a lot of money but that is just how much floors cost.

yes I could have bought those self adhesive tiles but to buy enough for the entire apartment would have cost a few hundred pounds and then I would have had to put them all down myself which would have been a big job. I did my bathroom before at old apartment and you have to cut to size as well at the sides and corners Ect. it's not just so easy. And it wouldn't have looked half as good. it was definitely worth the money it cost to get my floors installed totally 10000% 

WRITING STYLES

I am finding it easy to reply to your sections the way you have asked each specific subject in your emails so I will continue with this way until I get to the handwriting letters then I will read back and reply as I read the things that need replying. 

For my memoir I want to play about with different types of voice and narrative and style of writing to see what works best and so far I think I have .. what would I like to do with that memoir eventually?? sell it and have it published for money would be the dream. I'm being real. honestly..that's what I would want.

I don't care what anyone thinks of me anymore OR what I write.

I been talking to Sareena lately a little bit on Facebook. I think she's STILL working as a prostitute after all these years it's crazy. 

14:20

Today is going so slow. I'm fed up of the music. I keep changing the TV music station because I can't cope with it. I really want to take my half my sleeping tablet and just mong out on the sofa and sleep for a bit... decorator looks like he's packing up for the day now which is suiting me lol... 

oh no he not finished until about 4pm.. another hour to go 😩🤦🏼‍♀️ .... I hope I'm not gonna have to have the music video TV on every day whilst he's here!! I would rather go out but I dunno where to go!!!  it's funny you LOVE music it makes you happy but for me I don't like it much and it makes me feel sad most of the time.

I looked up opening times for the dancewear store it's closed tomorrow and we was gonna go tomorrow 😭 .... I have to get out to go visit my friend Natalie at some point in the next week or so... she saying we could meet up on the 15th well I have appointment at 10am with the community psychiatric nurse so I could go up to hers after that maybe ??!!! that gets me out of the house on Monday for a start....

not sure what day we can go to get Miquelle dance shoes I will have to speak to her when she gets home from school today. 

PERSONAL GOALS

my goals for this year are to somehow get over Julian

go out of the apartment more

eat less

try to start looking better when I go out like I used to sooo doing my hair, putting contact lenses in maybe my eyeshadow like I was this time last year .. I was manic then though .. now I'm just mostly depressed... I want to add an anti depressant to my mood stabiliser and anti psychotic because I'm not doing well at all... that stupid Community Psychiatric nurse says that's a last resort for her...but as far as I'm concerned she's not doing ANYTHING to help me at all. I go. I talk. I cry. she says what she's gonna do...and does none of it. it's all bullshit to me. 

I just hope to be happier in 2024.  

FAMILY FRIENDS NEIGHBOURS AND RELATIONSHIPS

I just took half my sleeping pill

.... yes I forget everyone's birthday and appointment dates ect ect... I just bought myself a diary on Amazon. it's called The Country and Wisdom Folklore Diary. my mum used to buy them for me when we were talking... I like them although I suck at actually using it. I decided this year to actually USE it. write important dates in, appointments and when I don't have anything like that to write in I will write how I feel. I also want to track my periods too. day it starts, length, how heavy or light it was ect... OH YES I NEVER HAD THRUSH ... the itchy feeling completely went away as soon as my period really started and now my period is gone I feel totally normal down there. I must say I'm very glad. I was so upset with myself because I knew I hadn't done anything to deserve it so luckily I didn't have it but now I DO have a monistat treatment for future ALTHOUGH I COULD GO MY ENTIRE LIFE AND NEVER GET A VAGINAL YEAST INFECTION AGAIN PLEASE GOD 

Soooooo what else do I want? .. I want to get more spiritual and hippy dippy dont careish... start collecting crystals and sage my apartment more and read more about folklore and stuff like that maybe....

Zaniyah is doing well as far as I know. She's in her final year. she only has until about June or July this year until University is finished then she's been there for 4 years by the time she graduates. She studied English Language and Linguistics with Korean. 

I don't know if she's dating but my dad said she's working in a restaurant serving drinks on the bar. 

My dad is doing ok but he gets tired very easily not like he was before he had the cancer.

He was just staying at Karen's last week actually. yes he still goes down there and she still says she doesn't want anything romantic with him and that they are just FRIENDS and I believe her too.

I think he invites himself down there a lot more often than she probably wants him to visit but I don't think she knows how today no. plus he lives in her old apartment she still owns up here and there was a whole heap of drama about that because Karen wanted to sell it but my dad definitely doesn't have the money to buy it OR move anywhere else although the council WOULD house him now at his age it would likely to be in a supported living or assisted living older persons housing and my dad WOULD NOT WANT THAT!!!!! 

Kyrell is the ONLY guy I've had video sex with. he's 39 and live in Clarksville Atlanta Georgia. He is NOT in jail. he has a lovely little apartment. He's shown me round it on a few video calls. He's the Muslim guy I REALLY like A LOT he's my major crush and I KNOW he could heal me from Julian BUT

 a) I don't trust him, in that he's really gonna like me in person or find me attractive 

and 

b) I'm scared. 

he's the one I sent you a million pics and vids of via email lmao because he's so damn fine. I love his gap teeth, his eyes shape, his lips, his beard, his whole face is too handsome Masha'Allah. I see wonder and depth within his eyes and his smile is sublime. he's the most handsome man I ever saw in my damn life. ... you've never said what you think about his looks though tbh...so I don't know what you think about Kyrell Wright/Bryant or Hudhayfah Abdul Aleem which is his Muslim name. 

For him I would run away to USA IF I believed he would love me for real despite my flaws and freckles that I hate so much and if I was maybe a few years younger... for him he could have more wives... I dunno why but it don't phase me WITH HIM but he's my super crush. I have his photo printed off under my pillow HE DOES NOT KNOW. 

I WOULD LOVE TO TRY THINGS WITH KYRELL BUT IM TOO AFRAID which is why I say I'm scared when he's saying to me now he's found out his probation WILL let him come here and b) he's saving to come here... part of me... a teeny tiny part thinks he may be for real .. but will he like what he finds here?? that is the question. I would rather meet him on a holiday somewhere neutral to be together for a short time to see how we get on in real life... if he just wants sex he's travelling a long way for it and I can't believe a guy with his looks hasn't got women all over PLUS he's a Muslim (well about as Muslim as I am)(and about as crazy and bipolar) but he's a man.. the Masjid could help him get a wife if he just wants sex...he says he don't want just anyone and I'm the only person who understands him.. I find that hard to believe

NEXT 

I only talk to or text that ONE prison guy the one that's not very attractive. He is called Quiante and is in California. Actually I've not been talking to him hardly at all. I couldn't be bothered for about two weeks. I had bad flu I didn't want to talk. then I just couldn't be bothered. then I was tired after braiding. his time is EIGHT HOURS BEHIND our time and Some nights I don't want him phoning at 3am even if I'm still awake I just don't want it... so I turn my phone off.... we didn't speak for about the whole year so far... lol ten days.. I just am not interested... I get bored talking to him... he's been put in max security because they got confidential information that he had an enemy so he's lost All his property and canteen and everything so he's not happy at all because he saying he never knew he had an enemy and they told him it's non disciplinary so he can't understand why they've took all his shit off him and he's being punished. 

I don't fucking know. his mom was messaging me on FB telling me can I please answer his calls. look I'm not responsible for anyone else's happiness...

honestly I used to be a person trying to please everyone and I thought if phone rang I had to answer but I don't care no more. if I don't want to I don't want to and that's just the way it is. I don't owe him shit. I don't even know him. it's a sad story he get life in jail been in 30 years since he was 17 he's 47 now but he can't rely on me. I didn't expect when I went on write a prisoner that it was like they could phone all day long and text. it never used to be like that you know that yourself. 

I told this dude I don't wanna talk all day long but honestly he phones and tries to video call all damn night it's too much for me I don't want to talk much. I don't even know what to say to him half the time and he just say same thing over and over. he lucky his family help him. he say he gets $200 on his canteen/commissary... his mom, cousin, son and brother or sister send $50 a month each to him to spend.. to me it's even sadder...but not as in crying sad .  I dunno how to explain in UK we have a slang 'Sad' means like it's a bit pathetic I suppose really.... and that burden every month on those people to have to spare him that cash for ALL those years.

he tells me plenty times he phones his mom or son or cousin ect and the phone just rings and rings and they say that it doesn't ring on their side so they never knew he was calling and he say he don't understand it at all.... they LYING. ... it's the same like with me just not wanting to answer the phone. honestly that will be why his mom is so keen for me to answer the phone to him... it takes some burden off of her shoulders. she probably hopes at some point I would send him money too that shit is never happening.... I'm fixing to stop the whole thing off. it just doesn't benefit me at all. 

I'm here thinking what's the point? I'm not desperate to talk on the phone.. in fact I don't even really want to

ok I will take a break now. I been typing on my phone for several hours. but I have every day that the decorator is here to type and finish writing my reply then I can go to print it all off to put into the box gift I'm sending to you on or around the 20th January 🎁❤️🙏🏼

miquelle just came home for an hour and a half before she has to go for dance so I'm going to make her food. my sleep tablet has dulled me down a bit too so once Miquelle goes I will just mong out and listen to a podcast on YouTube by a guy called Eric Dubay. he talks about how this earth is not a spinning ball 🌎 it's not spinning.. it's flat and still and I believe it 1000. we are not moving. I'm listening to his audiobook called flat earth conspiracy it's 8 hours long. 

OK you said you want to read more. in your gift I sent you a book... it's one of the most amazing books ever written imo... it's by Toni Morrison and called Tar Baby... I've gifted it to you... please read it if you can. it's AMAZING. I HOPE YOU WILL LOVE IT. I read it so many times. it's SO Deep. 

OK I BOUGHT IT YOU

please try read it!! I bought you a new copy. it cost £10 new... not even used. my copy was second hand used lol..  the first time I read it was literally because the main character has my name 'Jadine' ... the book is Amazing it's set in the Carribbean island of Dominique and New York. just try it out ok 😁 we can swap notes on it. 

I'm sure you will love it. maybe as you read it we can talk about it too. like a book club....? 

then you still have that other book I sent you that's awesome in a different way called 'The Darkangel' Do u still have that book?? 

Thursday 11th January 2024 

11:41

I got up early because the decorator was coming. I ate toast honey and banana at 7.30am then showering at 7.45am after Miquelle let me know she was on the tram going to school. Then I got dressed by 8.30am and put laundry in the washing machine, then I swept and mopped the kitchen floor. The decorator came at 9.30am.

Then I spent the morning so far doing the laundry. I'm on the second load now. and ordering groceries online to be delivered tonight. I spent £99.99 exactly because we were fast running out of stuff. 

Now I get back to your letter. it's freezing cold outside. The weather keeps saying it's going to snow soon. I hope not. 

My hallway is almost finished. my dad is paying the decorator not me. Thank God Alhamdulillah for that. I couldn't have afford it. and it was such a big job because the flat was painted such horrible colours and a lot of damage where he's had to fill holes and re-plaster and paint several undercoats before he's been able to gloss and do top coat. He says to finish the entire job will take three weeks because it was so bad in here. 

THE NEXT SECTION IS ENTITLED

OVERALL HEALTH

1) How do you feel about yourself when you look at yourself?

lately, as in the last 6 months I feel ugly. fat. frumpy. old. fed up. unattractive. 

I didn't feel like this before, this time last year I felt really good in myself and I liked my weight and size and I was making more effort wearing contact lenses and looking more decent putting bright eyeshadow on and doing 80s make up styles and I was manic. I used to bathe twice a day and wash every crease fold inch of my body 

2) What changes do you want to make?

I want to bathe once a day because now I can go days without bathing like three days and I feel gross. I also used to brush my teeth after every meal and lately I brush maybe only once a day which also feels totally gross. my dentist always cancels my appointments too OR I cancel. 

I hate having to get to appointments it stresses me out a lot. 

I want to start to wear contact lenses again when I go out somewhere because I just wearing my glasses and I feel so ugly in them it's unreal. I need to get a new contract lens prescription done from the opticians. for YEARS I bought a particular contact lenses brand online and I got on absolutely fine with them no issues at all. then suddenly my bank started to decline the transaction to the company and I called them up but they said they don't know why it's happening. I called the retailer and they said it's the banks issue which is really frustrating.

I bought a different brand online from another retailer but I don't like them as much as all. 

I feel old and ugly and grumpy in my glasses and there is zero point trying to wear make up or even a hat look stupid with my glasses on as well. 

I want to loose a bit of weight too. maybe 2-3 stones. the amount I eat I've no idea how that will happen though. 

I want to take more pride in my appearance to look more like I did last year. 

by now I just feel old and tired out honestly like I've not got nothing going for me anymore. 

3)What things do like/dislike about yourself? How do you feel about your mental health treatment?

At the moment I dislike most things about myself but what I HATE the MOST and I ALWAYS have hated is all my horrible freckles they're dark and stand out against my pale skin a lot and I have hundreds over my whole body all over me on my arms legs back belly even... I think they make me so ugly. 

I feel my mental health treatment is pretty shit. 

the community psychiatric nurse messaged to say she's contacted the mental health prescription nurse to see about reducing my lamotrigine/Lamactil a bit but I've said I want to keep it but add an anti depressant to it like duluoxitine or seroquel because I saw online people discussing that was a good combination for them alongside Lamactil and Ablify. 

4)Do you like your regular doctor? Pysch? Therapist?

All I see now is my Community Psychiatric Nurse and I like her but I don't see the point of seeing her really. I'm not sure what she's supposed to be there for. 

You seem to have a lot of medical or psych appointments but in England we don't get things like that. it's difficult to see a Dr here and they discharge you as soon as they can. 

5)What do you think of the medications you are on/dosages?

I think I need an antidepressant alongside my lamotrigine and Aripiprazole (Lamactil and Ablify) 

I love having zopiclone to help me sleep I often cut it in half and take half just to chill out with not actually sleep 

since I been on my meds my stomach problems have basically disappeared I'm 90-95% better. I never used to be able to eat so many things but now I can eat anything I want basically. I used to spend hours a day on the toilet with IBS induced by stress but now some days I don't even go toilet at all. it's a true blessing. it has to be the Lamactil and Ablify that saved my stomach.. 

I wish they gave me more diazapam.... like at least 5mg tablets but preferably 10mg tablets 

6)What medical appointments do you have coming up in the next 60 days 

only the community psychiatric nurse on Monday 15th January so far. 

hopefully I will get an appointment to get my wisdom teeth pulled out because I'm in so much pain on the left hand side of my mouth top and bottom

otherwise there's no more. 

So now to your answers

you say you hate your pum pum odour and only you can smell it. I think maybe if only you can smell it then maybe you don't even have one and it's psychological?!

if your breasts dropped and hurt why would you want them to be bigger!!?? then they would drop and hurt more!!  

mine are a 38D and far too small for me to suck on my own either but tbh I'm not interested to do that at this stage in life lol. 

I think it's not your clit hanging down it's your labia that you mean you don't like ... but men like that... it's better to have an outy pum pum than an inside one. I can't really explain well. I never saw yours and you never saw mine but I love how mine is and I have big labia but when it's all waxed clean no hair it looks so pretty except I can't bloody see mines any more either!! I can't see it for a long time but I took some pics when I had managed to shave about a year ago an it looked pretty and kyrell likes it so 🤷🏼‍♀️ I'm not fussed but I think outy pussys look better than the ones that's all tucked inside. I think you worrying about nothing there at all I'm serious a hundred percent!!!!

I HATE I get thrush and BV too. I hate hate hate it. I hate I have to be so careful to bathe. I started to use aqueous cream to wash my ass and vulva with on the outside... can u use that instead of soap because the soap or ph balance or fragrance free washes still cause thrush and BV. I use the aqueous cream or oatmeal in a bag made of a pantyhose (stocking/tights) foot or just good old plain water. I don't smell down there at all. 

I think you THINK you smell but you probably don't at all. 

when I poop I wash with water too I don't wipe with paper I clean myself the Muslim way. also when I pee I rinse with water. I have a jug in my bathroom. I wish I had a proper bidet. one day I will have a bidet. 

my hips are crazy wide and my ass is BIG but not ROUND. I wish it was round but it's huge but a bit flat but I have huge hips that people comment on. I love them but now my waist has gone and my belly is so round it don't look as good as it used to because my middle is wider too. 😭

I've been getting pain in the backs and bottom of my feet since mid last year and I hate it. basically since I had went on my meds I got the painful aching body and feet. before you saw me on FB dancing being crazy etc.... those days are all gone ....

I have huge thighs and thick legs but loads of cellulite too on my thighs, my ass and stretch marks on my ass too I hate. 

most of all though is my freckles. I never wear bare legs because I hate how my legs look bare too but also my freckles are horrible to me 

I don't know how to style or do my hair either!! all I can do is straighten it and put it in a pony tail! I can't do anything pretty like a lot of white girls do where they make waves in it or something and my hair is SO thin too 

I hate the blonde streaks I put in and I have to use henna again soon to tone the streaks down bectit just looks too blonde for me I prefer it more reddish all over but I know if I henna it then the henna will just give me nice tones because of the bleach. it's such a long process though right now I don't have the energy to mess about with henna at all. 

I really need to pee. it's 15:10 here and the decorator is painting the bathroom now. I don't want to ask to go pee because he should be done by 4pm. 

I feel bad today I had no tea or coffee to offer him. I had ran out. 

my groceries are coming today between 10-11pm 

what is VALTREX??? 

16:22 

The decorator left. I was BURSTING to pee 

Now I'm just laying down on the sofa. Think I might have a nap. I been reading your letters and typing reply all day 

I just got the competition schedule for Miquelle for dance and it always gets my anxiety up because I can't take her to the competitions due to not being able to drive so I have to ask the other moms if they will give her a lift if their kid is in the competition too. It just gets my anxiety right up. 

Also I'm sure the dates of this competition clash with her performances in the musical SIX 

Ughhhh

I'm struggling a lot lately feeling overwhelmed with even cooking things I know I'm good at cooking I feel like I can't remember how even if I've done cooked it a million times already. 

It's stressing me out a lot. 

I bought beef mince to make spaghetti Bolognese and chicken breast to make a chicken stir fry but I feel like my brain is fogged up and I can't remember what spices I use to do it so it tastes good and I hate feeling like that because it's things I make so many times it doesn't even make sense I feel paranoid to make it because I feel like I can't remember how 😩

I got messages on the prison inmate text account from that guy in California, Quiante. He says he got all his property and privileges back. Which is good. Also good he's not tried to phone for two days. I STILL don't feel in the mood to actually TALK on the phone. So I hope he doesn't try to call tonight either. 

Finaces, Budget bills, spending,etc

I have MORE bills in this place 

Because in my last place I never was paying my gas and electric bills for almost the whole 10 years I lived there… here I HAVE to because it's prepayment meters so if I don't buy it.. it don't have it. It's as simple as that! And I need Gas and electric so in reality it's more expensive to live here.

I have to pay 

Rent £387.95 a month 

Gas (approx £100 a month estimate) 

Electric (approx £120 a month I'm not sure yet but that's my estimate) 

Groceries (approx £100 a week) 

Water rates I'm not sure

Council Tax I'm not sure they're assessing it at the moment and the new bill comes in April

Internet £26 a month 

Cellphone (cellphone is CRAZY expensive) like for me and miquelle it's about £160 a month for the phones and the call, internet and texts package 

I don't have no credit cards or life insurance. 

Why do you have life insurance? Who is the beneficiary? 

Soon all my debts will be GONE so I don't care about any of them as I'm almost at the end of the work with the debt advisor Jillian and my dad and we're applying for me to have insolvency which is like bankruptcy so it will all be over and done with any debts I have and I had a lot.

I won't be taking any more credit on because I don't want to get into new fresh debts. 

Would you ever take bankruptcy to get rid of all the debts on your credit so you didn't have to pay them?

17:20

OMG so those loud teenagers were just back again hanging around outside briefly banging ok my front door and being noisy outside the window. I dunno what to even do about it at all. I HATE it. 

I was really relaxed but now feel on edge. Mostly just don't like feeling like or thinking they might break the window fucking about being dumb outside. But either way I DON'T WANT THEM OUTSIDE MY APARTMENT OR ANYWHERE NEAR IT 

Friday 12th January 2024

12:35

I'm on the tram coming back from another town next to the town I love in. It's called Rotherham. I went with Miquelle this morning to buy her pointe ballet shoes the type they dance up on their toes. It's her first pair of shoes like that so she's super excited. 

Afterwards she was keen to get back to school so she went on the tram back and I stayed in Rotherham to check out the shops because there was something I wanted to get you as a gift for your box but they just didn't have what I wanted which was really annoying. 

I don't have the energy to get off the tram at the big mall although I'm tempted. The stop is coming up now but that mall is HUGE and tiring. I need to go to town to get my pedicure done too today. It's already getting later than I wanted. If I go in that huge mall I will be in there hours. I doubt I will go for my pedicure if I go in there. What shall I do??? 

I can always go there on Monday. I have to go to see the CPN at 10am on Monday so I will have a travel pass. Yes that's what I will do. I will go on Monday after the CPN appointment I think. That way I've planned for going and will not have done it spur of moment.

Right now I'm sticking to my original plan. That is to go back to Sheffield town and go McDonald's to use the restroom and then eat. Then go for my pedicure, then go home. 

The prison guy messaged me saying that he has gotten all his property back and his tablet so he can message me again ect and is on a new unit. He will have got my messages where I was saying to him I didn't want to talk on the phone and he calls me too much. He didn't mention it although he's not tried to call for a few days now. Even today I don't feel like talking. It just feels pointless. 

I was in the underwear section of the store today they had so many cute things like stuff I used to wear for Julian. I felt like crying. Now I'm Fat. Frumpy. Ugly. Nobody to wear no cute underwear for. Mark didn't deserve it. He used to take so long to get to bed I just went sleep. Drinking nasty cups of tea and coffee before he finally got in bed without brushing his teeth. Ugh. I feel sick 🤢

I can't wait to get home. I'm not enjoying being outside at all. Everything is grey and brown. Damp. Derelict. Decrepit. Broken down. Cold. Miserable. I don't feel good to be here. Everywhere is the same. Every town is the same. I felt suicidal earlier walking through Rotherham. I literally did. 

I remember the days I had so much vitality for life and so much sparkle. Now I'm functioning but my light has gone off or broken. I'm feeling so fed up. I just want to go home and get under the duvet. But I will feel better if I get my toes done so I have to fight myself to go and get that done and not just eat McDonald's then go straight home. That will be pointless as I have foods at home. I just got groceries last night.

Saturday 13th January 2023

Feeling weird in my head. Emotional. Weepy. 

Slept weird. Been sleeping on sofa for three weeks again now

Watching trash reality TV from the 00s Flavor of Love. Do you remember that show at all? 

Wishing to be back in the 00s in my twenties again. Full of vitality and life..

Life these days sucks. I'm depressed with feeling depressed. 

I feel a mess. I look a mess. 

My friends on FB all seem so happy to be in their 40s one (EB'ony) had her 42nd bday today and saying 42 feels good... As for me… it feels shit…. the older I get the less I want to even be alive on this earth