another letter to keith

 Friday 9th February 2024

asalaam Malaikum wa ramatuallhi wa barakatu brother Keith I just got home from Miquelles theatre show that I've told you about It was sooo good I'm so hungry I felt ill all day I woke up with a migraine with a migraine aura and took painkillers and drank coffee but it kept shifting the pain behind my eyes and forehead... Took valium it eased up but my belly hurt all day with nerves and dread of going out even though my sister was coming for me in the car. I wish I could get picked up in cars more often it was so much easier to get around. I did force myself out I got showered washed my hair and put on my party dress lol. I've sent a pic. I didn't put any make up. I don't even have any tbh.. I worn glasses too but took them off for my photo. I had a photo with Miquelle too. She looks beautiful I look terrible. I bought her a bouquet of flowers I cooked for Miquelle before she went out but I never ate a thing all day... We've just ordered pizzas. Its 23:30 hopefully they will be here soon. My belly feels better but I don't feel well today. Will be glad to stay in tomorrow and Sunday.... Just got to tackle going to my community psychiatric nurse appointment on Monday now then I can relax for the rest of the month.... I know you would probably love to eat a pizza right now but honestly it was ALL cheese and hardly any toppings. I still feel dizzy. I drank some coca cola with it. Miquelle had doner kebab meat and fries but left most of it because it was all dry. Won't order from there again. I just feel so dizzy and weird today. My body feels weak and tired bad today Yeh I really do not feel good and I hoped eating would have helped but it was just like a mound of melted cheese and not much else... Barely any tomato sauce base, sparse toppings, thin base.... Not good at all. I only ate most of it because I was so hungry but it was one of worst pizza I ever ate. I hope it don't make my belly hurt tomorrow or later or something... I feel like I need to sleep... But not on this stomach full of cheese...wish I had ordered a chicken burger or something like that ... It's very overwhelming being at the theatre.. loud noise and flashing lights...my head spinning after it's over... Fed up of being this way Can't wait to get Monday out of the way and then stay in rest of month. Read well try to read the two books I've bought... I bought one memoir called 'The Liars Club' by Mary Karr and a fiction novel called 'Jamaica Inn' by Daphne Du Maurier so I wanna try read some...write some of my own memoir and my penpal letters to my female pals I just started to write to....I'm working on a journal to Cookie as well. I just sent her a gift box I was supposed to send before Xmas. She had sent me one and I only got to mailing her the one I made for her on February 1st, she just received it the other day. I put a bunch of British chocolate and potato chips in, letters a journal I wrote in, a blank journal for her to write in, a nightdress, slippers, a hot water bottle... it was a kool box After I went to my Community Psychiatric Nurse appointment Monday, then I remembered Wednesday I have to take Miquelle to the Orthodontist I'm literally overwhelmed and I Only will go out once or twice to the post office to mail those two women I wrote in the UK or if any of the USA women write me I will write them back and mail on the 1st March. No before you start freaking out none of them are in jail. I enjoy old fashioned Penpalling and started up again to make new pals and to help me write again and help me find a motive to leave the apartment for a short walk to the post office and to get mail. My dad says he's not feeling well again .. he's got to have tests to make sure his blood cancer didn't come back... He's been overworking at his job... his boss keeps having plastic surgery and he has to cover her shifts. She was so beautiful and now she's ruined her face with plastic surgery. it's sad. I need new glasses. I have to get to the opticians soon. It's almost time for my two years check up. You can only go once every two years for free. You also get one free pair of glasses so I've been waiting to go so I can go for free. My eyesight feels blurry far away with my glasses on.. I don't have my new meds yet They only just prescribed them. I had a meds review on Monday and they decided to reduce my Lamactil dosage to see if it will help me feel more motivated. They're not listening to me that I'm severely depressed and need an low dose of antidepressant to pick me up a bit. They don't want to give it me in case I spiral into a state of mania like last time. I feel a tad bit of mania won't be a bad thing necessarily. I'm too low. I'm not happy at all. I realise I wasn't happy in my old apartment. I'm not happy in my new apartment I wouldn't be happy anywhere I realised today. Well I've not got my new meds yet...I have to go all the way to the pharmacy to collect them It's nothing major anyway just 50mg less Lamactil I currently take 200mg they're gonna give me 150mg That's the only change It will take more than a day or two to notice a difference I'm sure I won't get that prescription until Monday at the earliest if not after. I don't even care much tbh... I've still got ten days of meds left at my current dosage. I don't wanna have to keep going bloody pharmacy. I need to stay in the apartment for a while I'm so exhausted of everything Maybe I feel weird in my head because I have been taking my zopiclone daily but I didn't take it for two days (thats the sleep tablet I take) OR I'm just overwhelmed with everything and my brain is overstimulated. I don't have food poisoning because I've not ate anything to have gave me food poisoning.... It's stress related... Pain in belly happens when really stressed out need to pee a lot ... It was because I had to go out today and I've had to go out three times this week. Now I'm back in and know I don't have to go anywhere for two days I don't need to pee and pain went I felt dizzy because I couldn't and didn't eat It's anxiety symptoms. Do you get anxiety? ... It's awful so I hope you don't Saturday 10th February 2024 I still don't feel good today My head feels weird My thoughts are too loud I'm tired I have to go out to collect Miquelle from the theatre but she's not even sure what time she will be finishing she's going to let me know Now I feel on edge just waiting for the text to say I need to leave. It's such a long way walking to tram stop then tram journey and all the way back again All I wanted to do was stay home Monday I have to go out again to CPN and now I got reminder on my phone that Miquelle has orthodontist on Wednesday It all feels too much I hate being like this I've not even gone anywhere and already I can't wait to get back again LATER I'm just on the tram on the way back with Miquelle. I made it out to collect her. I bought electric on my prepayment key it's raining and dark and we have a half hour ride on the tram then 10 minutes walk back to the apartment. As soon as I get in I'm making a hot drink probably hot chocolate and later I need to eat. if that pizza last night had been nice I would have ate that cold but instead I will heat up from the fridge the spaghetti Bolognese I made yesterday afternoon and just cook some fresh pasta with it. I'm gonna put my pyjamas on and crash on that sofa until Monday and THEN I will tackle going to my CPN appointment... probably I will take a tram to the pharmacy to get my prescription then a cab to the GP then a bus and a tram home. it's so much effort. in the past I would have just done it with no second thought BUT now I'm just exhausted with everything and exhausted with life. Everyone says how I've raised my kids so we'll and have been a wonderful mother. Yes they've raised so well and took virtually all my energy and strength out of me and Julian the ex I was with 5 years who I found out was cheating and had two babies behind my back finished me off..he ruined me and stole the last of what hope and fight I had left. I still cry because of what he did to me. I can't wait to just get home. will write more soon and send this when it reaches a full 20,000 words limit. although I must say I worry what to say to you because things I say seem to send you off into a stupid mood or temper about nothing and it lasts months and your on that crack head shit I still can't believe how ridiculous you acted over that idiot Charlie Brown. It's pathetic actually and unfair on me. Monday 12th February 2024 SO it look as if you are on your funny mood again and decided not to write to me again. Well I wish I had known and I woudn't have spent 5USD on 10 stamps! Just wasting my time and money so it seems. Its not exactly difficult for you to write really, what else do you do all day? I am so bored tonight. I made it out to my apppointment with the community psychiatric nurse today. I left just before 1 and got there for 1.40pm so it was easy to get there, We just talked about stuff and I cried a lot. I cried because I love my new apartment, except the tiny bath tub that no one fit into properly BUT I just wish it was in another neighbourhood, in a more muslim neighbourhood. Here there is no muslims that I have seen. I was crying because I am no longer young and carefree, and I want the old days back. I'm tired of this bullshit life. The nurse thinks I am needing companionship... and wants me to try to follow some steps to be able to get out of the apartment more again, she did not like my idea that now I have done all my appoitments for the month that I just want to stay in the apartment for the rest of the month except when I have to go out to collect my meds. I only have 7 days left of my prescription. I walked up today to the pharmacy to see if my new prescription of a lower dose of lamactil was ready to collect but they did not have that prescription despite the nurse issuing it last week Wednesday. The pharmacist said its because I have a 28 day supply at the higher dose in my posession that I had to use all that up first before they will issue the lower dose prescription. So in one week I will go to collect all my meds in one go. At least that means I have one week to stay in the apartment. I just don't feel like going anywhere. the nurse wants me to buy a book called 'Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before' by Dr Julie Smith OR to listen to it on a podcast so I can use the toold to cope better thats in the book. Then eventually she wants me to maybe do one day voluntary work and then eventually get back into paid employment somehow. I have to demonstrate that I am trying and engaging with the help they are trying to give me. She was asking me about the penpals I have been writing and I said none of the females I wrote have replied yet. I told her I wrote to a guy in jail and she was not impressed at all. I remember the opression I had last tiem when I was telling people about you and how much trouble it caused me. I know Cookie sent me something but I have not recieved anything yet at all. She told me today she has not even opened the package I sent her she has been sorting through my most recent letters and trying to reply to those. Its good really as there are three more letters inside that package. I wish she would hurry up and open it though because I want to know if she likes the things that I sent to her. I loved the tings she sent to me for Xmas. I use the bag every time I go out and I have used the ink in some of the gel pens she sent already writing letters. Is that why you are mad also because I am writing to penpals, even though they are females in UK and some USA and you are being selfish and don't want me to? I have to have a hobby you know! its not like I am writing other inmates and its not like it affects you since you don't even write to me anyway! Lots of women penpal each other, its a hobby.. how you think I know Cookie for 14 years? I've written you enough with no damn reply! SO right now I am waiting for some pizza that I ordered. Miquelle has gone out to her friends for the night and I am here on my own. I ordered pizza with chicken cheese prawns jalapenos and pineapple on it and fries, a slice of chocolate cake and coca cola. We had pizza last night as well so im not being selfish to Miquelle lol, She also has my bank card and is alway buying herself McDonalds lol. I want to talk about interesting stuff and have conversations in these letters but you don't reply anything worthwhile so its impossible to have a conversation with you. I want to know what is going on inside your head you know soon I think you will have an instant text type service where you can message insantly. When I log onto this it shows that it is already being trialled in some TX facilities and in other US states they do it anyway I read about it. TX is late. THEN you will have no excuse but to text me! usually the texts cost 5 cents each. If you don't beleive me OKay but watch when they roll it out across the other facilities because there is no reason for them not to because other states already doing it now and since last year! anyway I am going to go for now Take care love from Fayza