letter to my mum

 Hiya its me Fayza here, 

I got your birthday card you sent me and decided to write to say hello.

whatever you may think, I don't like that we are not speaking but you have to understand you was very nasty and mean towards me and I won't tolerate that at my age. 

moving on 

So I moved out of Emma's flat on Edward Street. It has been bittersweet as now we are so far out away from everything that I knew and living near to Gleadless Townend. She didn't evict me she just had me living in a limbo and I couldn't cope with that. She kept issuing Section 21 forms and then not going through with the rest of the process required for the eviction and I didn't know if I was coming or going and the council wouldn't help me because I wasn't actually getting evicted. So I decided to start bidding anyway and found there was NOTHING to bid on anywhere that side of town that I lived on, there was a few places at Stannington which is also very far out in itself although at least still near Hillsborough and very few people bid on those properties the maximum amount of bids at the end of the cycle was something like 9 bids. 

Every week the only areas with property to bid on was Lowedges, Gleadless, Stannington and Woodseats and Parson X. I hoped to get Stannington but alas one day when I went to bid on the property I am currently living in I had a vision and heard a voice as if it spoke to me loudly in my ear and it said "Do not bid on this property unless you are sure that you will be actually able to live in it" I didn't really dwell on it but I bid on it as I was in the habit of bidding on property that hardly anyone else bid on. Some properties only had 6 people bid on them, flats in Gleadless or Stannington as I mentioned before had usually a maximum of 9, whereas houses had HUNDREDS of bids on them. I also was not especially bothered about a house. I lke flats and you can't live on the staircase! 

Next I had a dream that I went onto my email account one morning and I had an email offer of a property and that it was the property at Gleadless. I ignored this dream also. Fast forward something like 6 whole weeks when I had forgotton all about my premonition and the dream and I really did wake up and check my email account and I really did have an offer of the flat ! it all seemed really surreal and bizarre, especially as I had finished last (number 6) on the bidding cycle. I was very unsure abou tthe location, but I discovered it was only (I say only but I HATE that walk) 10 minutes walk to the Gleadless Townend tram stop along the flat part of Gleadless Rd. If I had been offered a property anywhere else in the valley other than here I don't know how I would have coped. Also Miquelle would have had to change school I suppose which would have been to her detriment. 

After waiting a year she finally had gotton her transfer to Forge Valley school at Malin Bridge within the same few days I received the offer of accommodation here. Now she has to walk to the tram stop every day including Saturday to get to school or dancing and take the tram about 45 minute journey. I feel bad for her but she is young so its different for them, its easier, and walking is not tiring like it is when you get older. I had to move though, the council said I didn't have to accept the offer if I didn't want to but I knew I wouldn't get anything again any time soon and it was probably the best of a bad bunch, at least we could walk to the tram stop you know. I was fed up of living at Emmas, it had been a decade, so it really was the end of an era.

The final thing that did it was that she replaced the bathroom. However it was awful. We went to Turkey whilst the work was being completed and when we got back it was still not finished as the leaking had been so bad it had taken days upon days for it all to dry out completely so I had to go in an air B&B when we returned from Turkey as the place was a building site. We stayed in a swanky flat over the corner of West Street and Devonshire Green which is ideally where I would choose to live permanently if I had any kind of choice, I really didn't want to leave. 

Well the NEW bathroom was AWFUL. it was dark and gloomy and she had taken out the bath and only fitted a stand up shower unit which was so cheap and flimsy the door kept falling off and it was so small it was a nightmare I just dreaded having to use it to shower and I longed for a bath. (Its not so much better here to be honest, I have a bath and shower but its all on the left hand side as opposed the right hand side which I had been used to for 10 years, and there is no pressure as its an electric shower and the bath is a standard council issue bath its so small in width you cannot have a comfortable bath or fully submerge yourself in it, so I still dread bathing here as well it feels like a chore and a torture rather than something that I used to enjoy)

Even Miquelle hates it. Sheldon and Dejeaun have the exact same bathroom and also complain of the same problem. Anyway, the NEW bathroom at Edward Street was the final straw to be honest and although I don't like the bathroom here either its an improvement on the NEW bathroom suite Emma had installed. SO I moved just before Xmas. 

I say that here is temporary too. I DO NOT intend to live here the rest of my days. I shall not suffer it. In less than 18 months I can go back on the Council List and start bidding again and this time I will only bid for property at the other side of Sheffield and just pray something comes up that is more suitable. 

I stopped working at the Chip Shop well before I moved. I guess I had a mental breakdown which I look back was all not in part caused by everything Julian. I am still struggling with it and it has been two years now. I am currently off work on Universal Credit Reduced Capabilities to Work money and PIP although I only get the standard rate of PIP Not higher it helps. Increasingly I find myself wanting to go and do something again but I have no energy or motivation. 

I am on psychiatric medication and its just made me tired out. If anything or anywhere I would wish to go back to the Chip Shop and Steve would have me back except its so far its impossible. I would have to leave here at 1.30pm every time I had a shift to get there for 3pm start and Steve the boss said I live too far away now but if I move closer again in the future he would have me back. I can't see it happening for several years, so who is today he would still be open, he's already passed retirement age.

I would want to go back there as its cash in hand really. Anywhere else I would loose my benefits money and I can't do that. It took months to get limited capability to work and PIP money and I can't guarantee my mental health or physical health (I am exhausted all the times I don't even have the energy to text on my phone some days) will enable me to work without becoming overwhelmed and finding it all too much, especially in a new environment. 

If you remember the chip shop is the best place I have ever worked and I have had A LOT of jobs in different types of places be it employed or as a volunteer and even studying BUT this is what people don't see. They think I have never done anything and have always been like I am now and don't want to understand I have done SO MUCH and failed at all and never got anywhere I am tired out and exhausted with life. 

Even Miquelle says she cannot remember me doing so much, all she remembers is me how I am today laying around in bed or on the sofa all day. That upsets me because I DID SO MUCH in the past having her at breakfast and afterschool club and childminders and holiday club whilst I was working and at college or University or Volunteering and getting nowhere in life for my efforts. 

The Psychiatric nurse does not understand any of that that and wanted me to look for work again, she seems to think if I go back to work my life will magically change and I will make tonnes of friends and become some sort of social butterfly and have enough money to move to an apartment on West Street. I say/think that she is out of touch with reality but I agreed to try one day volunteer work at a daycentre that has a community kitchen whatever that means one day a week. I go on the 4th July to fill in some paperwork so I can try it out. I do hope it works out because I am finding myself sleeping all the time in the house and doing nothing, at the same time going out seems so daunting as I really do not like to go out much at all these days. 

If I could go back in time I NEVER would have taken Dejeaun and Zaniyah from Grandma Sadies. I would have still had Miquelle as I was given that house before I was released to be released into so I would still have met her dad, BUT I would have let Sadie have it her way and keep the kids because she didn't want to give them up due to loosing all the benefits money. Taking them back was detrimental to me in so many ways and it got me nowhere and no thanks.

I know I've said it before but I think it ruined my life although at the time all I wanted was my kids back for my entire prison sentence, I wasn't to know how it would all pan out to my detriment.  The thing is though if I had left them at Sadies how different things would have been. Zaniyah herself says she doesn't think she would have achieved what she has if I hadn't taken her away from Grandma Sadies and taken her to university with me, and Dejeaun thinks he would have ended up dead or in jail due to getting involved with a bad crowd if he had remained in London at Grandma Sadies, he also would never have met Sheldon! Well who knows what would or could have been, but I know I personally think I would have been doing better in life and achieved more without everything had to go through because of them and their behaviour. 

It's a bizarre life really 

Zaniyah has not spoken to me in over a year I think, I forget now exactly how long. She is angry that she couldn't move back in with me after she finished Uni. She has graduated now and wanted to spend a year living here for free I presume before she goes back to Preston to do a masters degree. I did not want it. I said there is no space for her to live with me and she took offence and we had a disagreement over it. 

Personally I know what I would be letting myself in for if she did. Cheek and disrespect when it suited her. Her bad attitude when she is ready and her just laying about all year going out all the time and leaving her mess and extra mouth to feed that I can't afford and I didn't want it. PLUS I don't think when you have left home for four years, lived in another city and abroad for a year as she has that returning to live at your mothers in a box bedroom, out in the sticks, for a year, is a good idea. She needs to live an appropriate lifestyle for her age which is 23 this year.

I said she needed to rent a room in a shared apartment or one of these custom built places they have built and are building all over the city centre for exactly her generation and lifestyle. She just wanted to come and live here for free and be a parasite and I quite frankly had enough of it. Now her dad is paying for her apartment in the city centre which is much more suitable for her than returning home, but she is angry and still won't speak. 

I myself felt a certain anger really because whilst I am pleased she has graduated and proud of her I am also annoyed because part of my failure was due to her (and Dejeaun's) behavior. I remember when I was at Uni of Sheffield and she ruined my chances with her behavior getting expelled from school in year 4 and me having to take her to Uni with me to all my classes and pay students to tutor her and then she wouldn't let me get my work done. No i had to always be looking over my shoulder at her or she was running off and I was having to chase her around the streets at age 10 or 11 as she was, or she was standing behind me when I was trying to do my work saying in a loud obnoxious voice that she was bored. Then I had to get Miquelle from nursery and go home to Dejeaun's behavior and clean, cook, do laundry and no matter what I did there was no help with household chores from them. 

It was all a nightmare, I remember how depressed I was and how exhausted mentally and emotionally and they caused the majority of that and contributed to my failing Uni. Now I am supposed to be ecstatic that she has graduated?! She said she apologises for how she used to behave, but its too late. Honestly if I could have known I would have left them at Grandma Sadie's OR I should have taken them BACK to Grandma Sadies when they were out of control!!!! 

Too late now! 

Even if I had waited and gone back to Uni or college at this stage in my life it would have been better, but I thought I had to do it all then because I had missed so many years of my life in jail when people typically do that sort of thing, I was playing catch up. Now its too late. I would never get any more years of funding for University, and college is pointless as I have done all the courses that are suitable for me in the past and there is nothing left to do. 

I don't have the energy to do catering, its intense working in THAT type of kitchen environment, other course offered is Bricklaying (really!) OR courses I have no interest in AND cannot get onto due to my conviction like Health and Social Care and Classroom Teaching Assistant. There is literally nothing left for me to do, PLUS nowadays I have very bad concentration and attention span and I am not interested as I already did SO much years studying.

I feel so disinterested in life, I am not interested in TV or movies particularly, its all so boring. I see people on Gogglebox watching and talking about TV shows where people have gone to jail... I have done it in real life... 

I see them watching shows about people who have met someone in another country and fallen for them and gone to meet them in person to see if the relationship will work and I have already done that too in my real life. Why would I want to watch it? Its like I been there done it and bought the T Shirt to so many things that nothing is interesting anymore.

I see shows about people dating and it doesn't interest me. People living in shit conditions with horrible children doesn't interest me. People with loads of money buying fancy homes and holiday homes definitely does not interest me. Work, college Uni, I have done IT ALL... I think what is left?

Even online looking at conspiracy theories. I have researched so much into them there is nothing left now... ALL that is left is things I doubt we can ever know the answer to... like what is our REAL history? What are they hiding at Antarctica? Is there more land? I know we don't live on a ball. But it just reaches a point there's nothing left to research or read about it's all old news...And then comes the soul trap. The final thing.

I am part of Marks community on his channel Forever Conscious Research but there is nowhere to go with that either after a point, once you know all about it, you just know that if you don't want to be reincarnated you should not interact with any entities on the other side nor go into the light under any circumstances... 

Is it possible to really not interact or go into that light though? NONE of us will actually know until it is too late to tell anyone! Although I love his live streams and listen to every single one, just because its the last truth that there is and I like to hear over and over that I MAY have the chance to never be reincarnated again here on this Earth. 

Dejeaun and Sheldon are okay. I don't see them often though, although they live just ten minutes down the hill at Newfield Green it is all uphill to walk home and I couldn't just keep going round they would get fed up of me. Omari is lovely but he doesn't speak or anything either. I went to Graves Park with them on my birthday and took Omari on the train that goes all around the park. I saw them again recently because grandad had paid for us all to go out for Dinner at the carvery on Fathers Day. Omari is 3 I think on July 23rd although I am not exactly sure the correct date. No idea what they are doing for his birthday. Jasmine said something about a joint birthday meal for her and Omari. 

I keep wishing we could all go to stay in a caravan again like we did at Skegness on his 1st birthday but it never gets booked, I find prices have really shot up and we contacted the guy we rented a van off last time he says he is no longer renting any vans. I want to go to Skegness to see the fortune teller again. Sheldon says it is a waste of time. She says the fortune teller never told me anything useful last time so what is the point of going again?

Me and Jasmine walked from Endcliffe Park to Forge Dam today. We saw Jackie Spencer at Endcliffe and then again at Forge Dam. We didn't speak to him and I don't think he recognised us. He looked very well. The best I have EVER seen him looking. Not wearing the fuddy duddy two piece skirt suits and heeled court shoes he's always worn with a grey bob wig... He had black trainers suitable for walking that distance in, black leggings and a top and jacket and a brown bob wig and subtle make up and considerably slimmer but he looked very well. 

Jasmine says she thinks that Jackie and Steph split up and Steph went back to Leeds or something. Apparently Jackie is living in new build flats at the bottom of Ecclesall Rd near where Grandad lives in Karen's flat. Jasmine said the flats Jackie lives in are VERY nice inside.