cookie letter Sunday 23rd March 2025
Sunday 23rd March 2025
Dear Cookie
It looks like I have a letter if not two letters and two
notebook journals to reply to you.
I decided to type my reply because I rarely use the
computer and it’s a waste really I had it almost a year and barely even turn it
on because I can do everything on my phone its more convenient to use my phone
than actually sit at my desk and use the PC.
I also decided to type it because none of my pens are
writing properly, they are full and I just bought two packs of 4 bic biros 4
blue and 4 black but they write as if they are running out and the ink goes and
comes back and it looks horrible and it is not nice to write with.
I’ve ordered a fountain pen with ink cartridges on Ebay to
see if that will be any better. I have not had a cartridge pen since I was a
kid in school! It should arrive on Thursday.
Well I will catch you up on everything here and then try to
respond to your letters and journals in order and answer any questions that you
have asked me. Then I will try to get out to the internet café shop ASAP to
print this all off and mail it to you.
At the moment I will not be in the chip shop until 2nd
April! Why so long you may think? Well its because Melissa was ill and swapped
her shift yesterday with me so I would work instead of her yesterday and she
would work instead of me on Monday, then I had already swapped my shift on
Monday 31st March with Nicola so she would do that day and I would work on
Wednesday the 2nd for her because she has an appointment somewhere… SO it’s a
lot of days I won’t be at the chip shop! Steve the boss said he’s going to try
to get me in before that if he can because it’s a long time! Hopefully I can
get a couple of shifts or at least one in between or I don’t have a lot to do
here at all whilst I am waiting.
Lets go back to last week, I was working on an extra day at
the chip shop because there was a soccer game last Sunday I felt a bit crappy
as I had a cold and my throat was sore and I felt achy and made up with cold,
however Melissa was a lot more poorly than me she looked terrible and all her
neck was swollen. It ended up when she went to the doctors that she had a
abscess on her tonsil and she had to stay in hospital and go on a drip, I think
that is what you call an IV? and have the abscess drained and have painkillers
and antibiotics. That is why I worked her shift yesterday and she is working
mine on Monday because she was recovering. I hope tomorrow she doesn’t suddenly
say can I work because I already have another appointment now. I told Steve the
boss and Danny because Melissa insisted that she IS working. The mental health
team wanted to meet with me, I have been referred to them due to my constant
depression and the fact that they refuse to prescribe me anti depressants due
to my Bipolar and they don’t want me to go into mania so are going to offer me
holistic treatment in the community whatever that is going to be! It better not
be volunteer work because I refuse to do that!
Okay well I got distracted because my groceries arrived and
then Miquelle came home so we were were chatting and I had to take the trash
out and put the groceries away, then I made a coffee and put a load of laundry
in the machine. I ate one sachet of oatmeal this morning one sachet is supposed
to be one portion, usually I have two, with some dried apricots in it and a
dash of honey and with my coffee I had one cake bar, I am limiting myself to
only that cake bar for the day, no more eating two or three or four, I will eat
smaller portions now because I am just getting bigger and bigger, I am now a UK
size 22 this is the biggest I have ever been in my life, I need to slim.
Somehow… but at the same time I need to eat because when I don’t eat at all I
feel dizzy and lightheaded and that is not good. The thing is I don’t eat any
more than I used to eat before I was on medication but the medication blew me
up. The psychiatrist did warn me it would make me put on weight but I didn’t
realise how much. I was a UK size 16 when I started my medication so I've gone
up 3 dress sizes 😢
Well, Miquelle had been out at her friends birthday party
sleepover and then went to her rehearsals for the next theatre show she is in
called ‘Everybody is Talking about Jamie’ then she went in town and did some
shopping and now she is home and going to go to bed for a nap I think. I will
make some dinner later. I didn’t buy any fresh meat. I really couldn’t be
bothered. I am so tired of cooking the same few meals that she will eat over
and over again. The other day I cooked Spaghetti Bolognese, yesterday I ate at
the chip shop, a very small amount of chips and a very little fish, and she had
her dinner at her friends sleepover party. Today I have a choice for her from
the freezer of either chicken burgers, beef burgers or donner kebab meat and I
will make potato wedges and a small salad to accompany. The salad will just be
lettuce, tomato, cucumber and onion.
Tomorrow Miquelle is
going to school and then going to get her nails done, she is having acrylic
extensions put on and then going to her rehearsals for the theatre show and
then going to Zaniyahs apartment and sleeping over there because on Tuesday
morning they are going to London to eat dinner and go to a Kpop concert for a
boyband called TXT. They will sleep over the night at Grandma Sadies and return
to oSheffield on Wednesday. So she will be having another 2 days off school.
Ugh.
Anyway where was I?
I was working at the chip shop for the football match last
Sunday…it was whats called a Derby between two teams from the same city,
Sheffield Wednesday who are the blues and Sheffield United who are the
reds...It was busy but football fans causing trouble ruined it before the match
started, we were quite busy and everyone was in a good mood but then omg it was
getting crazy out on the streets as there was hundreds and hundreds of football
(soccer) fans lined up the street and loads of police, in vans, on foot, on
horses even, and the football fans started rioting and letting off blue smoke
things called flares and throwing glass bottles. There was glass smashed
everywhere and blue smoke and glass coming through the chippy door so Steve the
boss had to put his shutters down!! They were waiting for the red team United
to come past because they wanted to fight with them. But the police had closed
off the roads and brought the United fans under police escort an alternative
route.
Miquelle was in the
shop eating chips and we had to bring her round into the back of the shop
because it was scary. It was really wild. Miquelle couldn't leave until after
the area was cleared of football fans and the trams started running again so
she was in the chip shop about an hour and a half. Then the council street
force team came out and were cleaning the streets up of all the glass and cans
ect...
We sold out of everything food wise in the end and I got
the easiest job at the end because Melissa said she would wash up and I could
sweep and mop but customers wouldn't stop coming in so I just was serving
customers and ended up Steve just said leave it they can do it tomorrow! So
Melissa had to do all the cleaning and washing up but I didn't.
Then I worked the day after for my regular shift on the
Monday as well.
ON the 18th would
have been my dads 72nd Birthday so me, Jasmine, Sheldon, Dejeaun, Zaniyah,
Miquelle and Omari went to scatter his ashes and then for a meal at a chain
restaurant pub called Weatherspoons, its really nice there, they have them all
over the place, we went to one called The Francis Newton. The first place we
had to go to scatter the ashes was as near to the Sheffield United Football
(Soccer) stadium as possible (he was a red) but they stopped letting people
scatter ashes IN the stadium or memorial grounds in 2020 so we had to scatter
the ashes as near to there as possible, we found a patch of grass you could see
the stadium from that had flowers growing on it and scattered them there, I
stayed in the car. It was soooooo dusty, I was filming it and there was clouds
of the dust from the ashes blowing up onto Jasmine because she was scattering
them and Dejeaun especially as he had been standing so close to her, so Zaniyah
told him that grandad was going to haunt him now! Lol, he was worried and asked
me if that was true when he got back into the car and I said NO! … then we
drove to the park called Endcliffe park and had more ashes to scatter, (it was
a LOT of ashes in 2 great big tubes) He had wanted those scattering in the
river where the stepping stones were… I was out of the car this time but I
stood WELL back because I didn’t want to get the dust on me at all. I just
videoed it. It was a very nice spring day, mild and sunny so we let Omari play
in the park on the swings and slide and climbing frame in the play area. That
morning Dejeaun had take Omari to the farm and they had got there so early they
saw the animals being taken out into the fields for the day and they saw a goat
giving birth. Dejeaun takes Omari out to nursery or to the farm and park in a
morning because Sheldon is working now as a cleaner in the mornings 6 days a
week, she has to leave at 6am in the morning to get there. It’s a very small
city farm, its quite a long walk from even where they live but my son doesn’t
mind it.
There is some bad news in that there is no more baby.
Sheldon had a miscarriage several weeks ago, she was almost 3 months pregnant.
They are still trying to come to terms with their grief from that too. But they
are handling it well. They decided to wait a while before trying again for
another, Sheldon is scared to try because of loosing this one but I told her
both Carrie and Charmaine I used to be friends with have suffered several
miscarriages and had several abortions in between having 4 full term
pregnancies each so there is no reason why she wont go on to have another baby
in the future when the time is right.
After the Park and
scattering the ashes we went for our meal, it is what my dad would have wanted
because if he was still alive he would have wanted us to all come out for a
meal. It was a very nice meal as well lol I really enjoyed it, and we had
cocktails too, we had a big jug of one called ‘sex on the beach’. It was a nice
day and not really a sad day, but again my dad wouldn’t have wanted us to be
sad.
The rest of the week was pretty uneventful, until Friday my
sister came to get me, I had been in bed for days and really needed to shower
and wash my hair, she said if I did two Dutch braids in her hair she would blow
dry my hair for me so I agreed, I forced myself into that horrible shower with
its slow running no pressure half cold water and washed my whole skin and hair
but I still did not shave under my arms or my legs, I have not done that since
Xmas! I need to do it soon, I hope to do it before the 8th April because me and
my sister have tickets to go to see a girl band in a city an hour away from
here called Leeds, the girlband have been around since the late 90s and are
English and called The Sugababes, google a song called Overload. I love that song
or Push the Button, I like loads of their songs, I was actually surprised that
my sister agreed to go to the concert to be honest because when they toured a
few years ago and came to Sheffield nobody would go with me, I have found my
sister has ‘Mellowed’ compared to how she used to be. She is a lot more chilled
out, she even drove me to work yesterday for no reason at all just she offered
so I said ok.
The tickets for the
concert were £45 / $58. I am looking forward to it, my sister will drive us
there in the car. She also said she will drive me to the beautician so I can
get my pussy hair all waxed of bald, we call it a Hollywood wax. Because I
can’t see to shave it and we are going to have a spa day, me her, Sheldon,
Zaniyah and Miquelle for Miquelles 16th birthday in April, well we are going to
wait until Zaniyah comes back from Jamaica, she is going in a few weeks for
three weeks with her dad Linton, his girlfriend Caramelos and all their kids
and other family members too. They are staying in a resort though. So once she
is back we will book a spa day for us all and I need to have had my pussy waxed
by then so the hair isn’t coming out of my bathing suit. My sister also took me
to the small mall Crystal Peaks last week and I bought sandals and mirror that
is full length and hangs over my door. I also managed to get a walk in
appointment at the hair salon and had half my hair chopped off! It was right down
my back but now only to my shoulders! It’s a relief, it looks much healthier
now its cut off. I had wanted to get my eyebrows threaded and tinted too but
there wasn’t time because we never got out until about 3pm and the mall closes
at 5. I had my hair appointment at 4pm and we also ate lunch. My sister got a
McDonalds and I got a prawn mayonnaise sandwich in Marks and Spencers. Jasmine
got her eyebrows threaded and tinted whilst I was having my hair done.
Jasmine is also going to drive me to Manchester which is
also about an hour away so I can get a gold crown on my tooth with a diamond in
the middle of the tooth, its called a gold window and you put the diamond in
the middle. I wanted it since I was about 16 and I am 43 soon, I just gotta do
it. It will cost about £1000 / $1292 … I suppose some people like to have a
tattoo and I definitely don’t want any of those so a gold crown on my tooth is
something I always wanted so I am going for it. My dad left a gold sovereign
coin I can sell to the jewellers to pay for my tooth. So I am going to do it, I
need to phone up tomorrow to book in to have it done and my sister says she
will take me in the car. She also brought me to the charity donation bins with
4 bags of clothing I had sorted out that I didn’t want anymore, I have so much
clothes I just keep buying really nice dresses and things and I hardly even go
anywhere.
Well, so we decided at the last minute to go for a walk and
to see if Sheldon wanted to come with us, my sister was going to drive us to
somewhere we could walk (you say to me in my most recent letter you wrote for
me to go for walks but I don’t think you understand there is nowhere here for
me to go for a walk to!!! Google my postcode and address and look on Google
Street view and you will see there is NOTHING here, nowhere nice to walk at
all. Its so horrible round here, google S14 1RF 142 Spring Close View and look
on street view at this housing project I live on. There is no parks near me,
the nearest one is over an hour walk away up a great huge mountain of a hill.
Last year me and Dejeaun and Sheldon walked there on my birthday with Omari in
the pram and we were exhausted, it’s a long way from me, the only other thing
is the ‘common’ it is just grass and I hate it, no duck pond, no birds, nothing
just people walking horrible dogs of every shape and size, it isn’t anywhere
you would want to go. In my old neighborhood there was shops and places to see
and lots of people around to make it interesting, here there isn’t even any
shops! The walk I have to do to the tram stop to get to the chip shop is a long
boring stretch of road leading to a freeway that the tram goes down the middle
of, it isn’t nice. In my old neighborhood there was a lovely park called
Western Park I could go to feed pigeons and ducks in or the opposite direction
there was the Botanical gardens with squirrels that are tame and you can feed
them nuts, so much more life there, where you live there is a park you said and
shops and people to see there its more appealing .. here in this neighborhood
is nothing Cookie, please google it and see. Also it’s a lot of hills here and
my knees can’t deal with it, walking downhill hurts them and walking back up is
exhausting.) I think I have arthritis in my knees, I’ve always had issues with
them even when I was young and slim, so its not a weight issue, I have been to
the doctors before about them but they just dismissed it really, well I am
going to go again soon.)
So me and jasmine
went to collect Sheldon in the car and we drove up through the old neighborhood
right out to the edge of the city to the start of the peak district and we
thought it would be a nice casual stroll but she brought us through woods and
to a river, OMG it was treacherous! and we ended up miles away from the car.
When we parked up the car there was two paths, a top path and a bottom path and
Jasmine said when we got there to take the bottom path and it would bring us
round in a circle to walk back down along the top path so we would get back to
the car! So we followed her down to the bottom trail and the path was just
going down and down through woods next to a river all muddy and slippery, it
was so difficult walking over the mud and stones and tree roots and stuff all
the obstacles and we did not have the correct footwear, we were in sneakers and
others we saw walking the trail had proper walking boots on! And correct hiking
gear! My sister had her fancy purse lool. It was Ok but we just never expected
to be climbing on stones and mud next to a river!!... I thought we were just
going to take a gentle stroll down a footpath!!! Jasmine said it was a 'round
walk' to go back to the car but when I asked the other walkers when we were
walking because I just knew there was no way we were getting around to any flat
path and the other walkers confirmed my suspicions and said no there was no way
back except the way we came!!
So Jasmine says she
can walk back all the way we came and fetch the car to come pick us up where we
ended up which was on a road with a bench and all other trials leading off it
in different directions, because me and Sheldon can't manage to walk back the
way we came! It's too steep going back uphill, as it was downhill coming here
and my knees have pain and I know I just couldn't manage to walk back so me and
Sheldon waited for jasmine to walk back and fetch the car then drive to where
we ended up to get us but we didn't know where we were at all!! We were outside
somewhere called Fox Holes Lodge!! We sat on the bench to wait for her. She
said she didn’t even mind walking all the way back on her own lmao.
Jasmine insisted
that she had done this walk before with a friend but she didn't remember all
the mud and stones and river!! I said that because it probably wasn't here that
you walked!!! I bet anyway!! So she phoned her boyfriend Ramir and he said she
took us on the wrong path! She should have taken us along the top path not the
bottom path! He said the top path does go in a circle back to where you started
basically and it's a gentle walk but the bottom path is hard work.
I felt like a
mountain goat!
SO I suppose that has caught you up with anything recent? I
haven’t really seen you online much but then when we talk online there is
nothing to write about new in letters and you say that you already knew
everything I wrote to you about so its better we have not spoken online or in
email really! I will send this tracked mail hopefully on Wednesday this week, I
have my second contact lens appointment because I finally managed to get to a
fitting and get trial pairs so I can start wearing lenses again sometimes when
I feel in the mood to not wear glasses and I have to go back to my second
fitting on Wednesday wearing the lenses so they can check everything is ok then
I can buy a months supply, they are like what I used to wear daily disposables.
There is a printing shop nearby I have used before to print your letters off or
writing that I sent you and the post office is also right there so I can pack
it up and mail it to you I HOPE without too much delay, if I can get enough
written by Tuesday night! Its only Sunday now, 6:28pm. I just had a shower but
I didn’t wash my hair or shave anything, but at least I am clean and smell of
soap and I put clean pyjamas on a robe and deodorant and I brushed my teeth
really good. Another self care thing I did lately was to get to the regular
dentist also to have my teeth cleaned and polished so they are looking ok right
now, I had put it off for 2 years! I was glad I finally got there!
I also have a cleaning lady coming to help me on Friday
this week. She is going to deep clean my bathroom and kitchen and help me sort
out my kitchen cupboards so things are in proper places and neat and tidy
because at the moment they are just in a right mess. She is costing £100 / $129
as a one off, but if she does a good job my mum thinks it’s a good idea if I
have her maybe twice a year to help me do everything thoroughly in the bathroom
and kitchen that I struggle with, once its been all deep cleaned and sorted out
I hope I will find it much easier to maintain and keep on top of.
I’m still trying to move, but finding someone to do a swap
with is just nearing on impossible, people contact me all the time saying they
are interested in my place, and then when they find out it doesn’t have a
garden they say they are not interested. And one woman contacted me on one of
the neighborhoods I do want to live called ‘Winn Garden’ but she had a 3
bedroom maisonette and the council will only let me exchange for another 2
bedroom because I only have a 2 bedroom need as only one child still at home
under age 18. I’m just going to have to keep advertising and trying over and
over until either something turns up OR Miquelle moves out for good and then I
can try to swap to a one bedroom apartment because many people in one bedrooms
need two bedrooms because they have children and are overcrowded so they are
less picky about where they move to they just need the extra space.
SO let me start with your most recent letter, I don’t know
when Miquelle will want some dinner she is fast asleep, I don’t even know when
I will want some dinner to be honest I just want to make the easiest thing
which is chicken burgers out of the freezer and make a few wedges and a bit of
salad, I only want a very small portion myself as I said before I HAVE to slim
down a bit, I saw on FB you say you loosing and losing weight, its crazy…are
you really eating plenty though? Before you was telling me about all the food
that you cannot eat due to having allergies or intolerances but then when you
are posting food up on Facebook its full of all the ingredients you said you
cannot tolerate?
I can’t believe you are really done with penpalling?!!
Seriously? Do you not think you will go back to it in the future? How many
other penpals have you kept as well as me? I can’t believe you taped that
letter up and returned that letter to
the lady! I did laugh! My mum says its lucky that you didn’t do the same to me!
Lool you better never! You are my ride or die lmao.
How is it going on the Lamactil and the Seroquel? Are you
still taking them / did you even start taking them?
I went through a phase I was able to concentrate and watch
a few movies they were lifetime movies from the 80s on YouTube, I much prefer
older things to modern things really I do and wish I could go back in time, I
think I am living in the wrong generation lool. I also watch some series’s on
Netflix based on books by some dude called Harlen Coben they were ok too. I
couldn’t believe I concentrated enough.. that was weeks ago though and I have
not had the attention span since!
I uploaded another chapter of the book I am reading aloud
onto my YouTube channel its called The Darkangel by Meredith Anne Pierce, I
mailed that book to you once years ago but I know you never read it, its
soooooo good though, I love it and people are listening to it on my YouTube and
have left comments, I have done 3 chapters now so far, but the last upload was
a month ago so I am not consistent I will keep trying though until I read the
whole thing, its just I find it so hard to focus to read and things these days
ever since the month long migraine I had in 2014 things became harder for me
and then when I knocked myself out on the low beam at the theatre helping out
at a dance recital Miquelle was in at the theatre in early 2018 and gave myself
a concussion and had to stop my driving lessons, I was never the same again in
my brain. I have told you this before I am sure, I lost even more of my focus
and attention span, I mean to tell this to the mental health team tomorrow too,
I would like a MRi scan to be honest to see if there is some kind of brain
injury or anything shows up on a scan because I just know things changed for me
mentally after those two events. Although I know I had depression from age 8
that’s the earliest recollection I have of depression and I know I had bipolar
as a teen, it explains so much of my life like the hypersexuality and manic
behaviour, just because it was only diagnosed in 2023, doesn’t mean it only
began in 2023!
The saying ‘My head is up my ass’ literally means like you
have so many things to do but you can’t focus or get around to doing them and
you are just hiding from everything and putting everything off.. does that make
sense now what I meant? Hope so
I already got me and Miquelle the new glasses. I got two
pairs, one was prescription sunglasses and one was just regular clear
prescription lenses, it was £90 for two pairs that’s $116 … Miquelle gets hers
for free on the NHS because she is under 18.
As far as the pesty cat, you can’t trust a pet sitter that
comes to your apartment to feed the cat because what if they don’t turn up? The
animal would starve and dehydrate. If you take them to a boarding house for
cats, they have to be up to date with all their shots, he is up to date with
all his flea and worm prevention treatments from the vet but not shots, and
plus its costs extra money to put a cat in a boarding house whilst you go away
its not even cheap, something £20 a day ($26)
Next thing is I can’t have a sitter come or a neighbour
visit to my apartment to feed him either because he is a cat that goes outdoors
to use the toilet as I refuse to have a kitty litter in my apartment, I just
can’t do it, I hate kitty litter and I can’t have a cat door because he brings
live rats and mice in from outside into the apartment. He has his cupboard full
of straw outside on the front but he hardly ever goes in there, only if he is
desperate to shelter I think if its bad weather and I was at work and Miquelle
was out and nobody to let him in, because every time we go out he is put
outside until we return! I would just leave him outside for all the days we
were gone and get a neighbour to put food and change his water once a day for
him but Miquelle won’t hear of it, she says she would stay at home and not come
with me. And I just refuse to have an indoor cat. I wish I didn’t have a cat at
all really. The last thing I want to do when I return off holiday or vacation
is to smell and clean a kitty litter! NO THANK YOU.
Dejeaun has said he would come to stay here to look after
the cat if I wanted to go away, because he said he would look after the cat for
me, but Sheldon said not at their apartment no way he would have to come to
stay at mine himself because she hates cats! Zaniyah said she would come to
stay at mine to look after him if I wanted to go away also, but I said maybe I
want to go away with her AND Miquelle!! Because I know Miquelle has more fun
when Zaniyah comes with us… OR I said I wanted to go away with all of us..
Sheldon, Dejean, Omari, Jasmine and Miquelle and Zaniyah … I just don’t know, I
think I will have to get his shots up to date and pay for a boarding house if I
wanted us to all go away but its such an expense. Me and Jasmine are talking
about maybe us two just going on holiday together too, in which case Miquelle
and Zaniyah can look after the cat. Its all bothersome to me. I just want to be
able to up and go without having to plan the care of a pet.
What I mean by ‘low mood’ is just feelings of sadness and
depression…you are correct that is all started before Julian and got worse
after him… everything you said there is true …it came on and off when I was
with him, I went through a phase of denial disbelief and shock, I had a mental
breakdown Cookie and I have still not fully recovered and its been almost three
years since I found out!
As for why do I want to contact Julian or why did I… it
isn’t to get back with him… lord no…sometimes I just want to cuss him,
sometimes I want to kill him, sometimes I want to just know WHY but I know none
of those things will ever happen… it just all really hurts and I just can’t
seem to get it off my brain every day its there somewhere at some point in the
day hanging over me. He REALLY impacted me badly negatively. I have real TRAUMA
and PTSD this is what the mental health team don’t understand OR they ignoring
because they DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO about it.. when I told them before I had
flashbacks and PTSD from several relationships, grooming and being exploited as
a teen and sex working as a teen and being in prison, its like they don’t know
WTF to say and there is no agencies there to support anyone in my position so
they say to me ‘Oh why don’t you do volunteer work?’ I am NOT doing it, it
doesn’t help me and I have been there and done that several times over and I am
so done with it all!
Its just like not a lot interests me these days, I feel
such apathy and disinterest in so many things, people like true crime and it
doesn’t interest me because I was in prison with so many women for 6 years of
my life, I just feel desensitized to it. People get interested in Tv shows
about drug smugglers, but I was one so I am not interested, people get
interested in women who are involved in relationships with inmates and watch
shows on TV about that, and I done it for years with Keith so its old news to me,
People are interested in people who meet someone online and go to another
country to marry them and I have even done that with Marcus it didn’t work out
lol…I’ve had all sorts of different jobs, volunteer work, and college courses,
went to university three times, never graduated because I was raising 3 kids
and 2 were a nightmare to deal with when they were growing up. I was bipolar
but didn’t know it, I was depressed, I worked in hair salons for years and was
bullied in them, I’ve explained all that to you when you asked not even too
long ago, I got nowhere, I am autistic and lack social skills, its never been
easy. People look at me now and say and think I have an easy life.. it was not
always so, now I am trying to heal and left with a LOT of trauma and its caused
me a lot of depression and sadness things that I have experienced in my life
and nobody knows how to help me. I am at a stage where I just feel like there
is nothing much left.
I want to travel soon, but I have to think about the cat… I
can’t give him to Danny at the chip shop because he is a house cat, used to
people and sleeping indoors and having regular meals and Danny wants him to be
like a farm cat living in a chicken shed! And I don’t believe he will look
after him OR feed him regularly and Neo is used to his comforts in life, he
only has to go outside if we are going out or to poo and pee. PLUS Miquelle
would never let me get rid of him and if I did it behind her back and she ever
found out the truth she would never forgive me for that I am sure. My mum said
she would have Neo but her husband Gary said ‘No more effing cats!’ they
already have one called Ginger.
I want to travel but I don’t want to travel on my own
particularly because my experience of Paris and Amsterdam kind of put me off
going alone, it wasn’t the best of times really, if you remember in Paris I
just got lost and didn’t know where to go or what to do and Amsterdam felt
lonely although I made friends with another solo traveller girl from Turkey
called Elif I wanted to be there with my own people, except who are my people?
Maybe I mean a man, but right now I don’t even have the energy for a man or
can’t even be bothered to try and there just does not seem to be anyone out
there that is suitable either I definitely did NOT make a mistake by not seeing
that guy I went on the walk with again, Darren, the one that had the female so
called ‘best friend’, he was 54 and she was 60, I don’t care what you think but
I am telling you that WAS his woman and he was out there looking to be
cheating, although he told me I was too young for him! He would NEVER have been
any use as a buddy or companion as you call it because his life revolved around
that female so called ‘best friend’ and he travelled on vacations with her and
walked her dogs with her daily and stayed with her, yeah that’s his woman.
Sorry not sorry. He was also sort of arrogant in personality. He just was not
for me at all.
I just don’t know wtf about meeting someone, I don’t seem
to be interested in anyone of any race at all, and I have zero sex drive, I
literally just couldn’t care less.
Its getting up to 8pm and I am getting hungry, I think at
8pm I will put a chicken burger in the oven and maybe just have it on its own
with some salad… I will let Miquelle sleep, she probably ate when she was out,
I should have asked her but if she was hungry she would have said and not gone
straight to bed! She has a LONG busy day tomorrow. She can always eat later if
she gets up at some point but to be honest I don’t think she will!
NOOOOO you got it all wrong about the tarot reader. I NEVER
speak to them, I just let them tell me whats what because of course I know if
you talk to them they will say the things that you want to hear! I don’t give
them nothing to go on at all, trust me on that. She told me a lot of stuff and
it cheered me up for a few weeks at any rate…
So to the questions…
I always find it so hard to answer questions lool but I will try….
I never ended up cooking a chicken burger, I just had a
sandwich, a small sandwich on wholemeal brown bread with Mexican cheese, pickle
and salad. It only took a few minutes to make and I ate it already
1) What do you hope to accomplish (not chores
and nothing related to cleaning or organizing) in the next three months…
honestly I don’t have anything in mind right now…????
2) Name up to 5
things that will bring you some joy (activities only) if you could do them…
Roller Skating, Boxing training... I can’t think of anything else…it isn’t safe
for me to roller skate I can’t risk falling and breaking a bone and my knees
have got really bad too, I am not sure I will ever skate again to be honest,
boxing training I want to do but I contacted the centre near me to find out
when women can go and nobody has got back to me yet, its not even that near, I
could probably walk there and then I would have to take a cab back if it was at
night or in the evening. Also many days I just don’t have any energy at all I
feel so lethargic I am not sure I would be able to hack it.
3) If you had to
give up 4 of your most frequently eaten foods what would you say are the 4
foods you have eaten the most this year? ...Bread, pasta, potatoes and pizza
4) Name up to five
things you have sacrificed this year so far 2025 only just to please someone
else, or tend to someone elses wants and needs….keeping the cat Neo to please
Miquelle… other than that I don’t know
5) Name up to 5
things that has made you feel depressed/ sad in the last 3 months (no cleaning
or organizing) …Julian, Miquelle getting into college, whilst I am so happy for
her, its going to be horrible and quiet when she has moved out to go.
She actually has been accepted into three colleges and has
chosen the one in Leeds because it is the best of the three. She will be
studying Musical Theatre.
Well I will keep on replying but on a new document because
at the very least I want to print this off on Wednesday and mail it! I have
been sat typing what feels like hours, I definitely been here about 5 hours
because I started before my groceries came at 4pm and its almost 8.30pm now. I
just ate so I need to brush my teeth again, I need to fill my hot water bottle,
email my mum and there is a podcast I want to listen to that was on live last
night but it was when I was asleep. Even though I ate because it was such a
small portion I still feel hungry, I did give into temptation and I ate another
cake bar, they are only small though but I hadn’t wanted to eat more than one a
day…dieting is going to be so difficult. I still have to hang the laundry I
washed in the machine a few hours ago up to dry. Ugh. ALL I am thinking about
is eating more food! Not good at all.
My sister lives
nearish to me. I could walk across the horrible grass called the ‘common’ to
her place it would take me about 15 minutes to walk to her place but coming
back if it was dark you cannot walk across the ‘common’ as there is no lights
and its unsafe so I would need a lift or a taxi cab. It takes 5 minutes in a
car but there is no direct way to drive, I think I said before how there is a
road called Gleadless Road that separates this projects I live on from the
private housing on the opposite side. My sister lives in the private housing on
the opposite side, she owns her house, she doesn’t need council housing as she
is a home owner, she is a case worker in an organization called SHELTER that
helps people with housing and homelessness, she is currently off on paid sick
leave as she is still struggling after my dads death.
Yes the council will
let me keep my place I live when Miquelle goes off to college, its mine, even
after she is 18 I can stay here forever if I want as long as I pay my rent.
Your rent is so ridiculously cheap!! You said it was around £285… Cookie my rent
is £450 a month! Will they really lower your rent? Wow
Oh yeah I don’t know
if I mentioned it in my last letter, but Miquelle dumped Zion because she said
she never saw him and he wasn’t happy that she was moving away to go to college
in Leeds.
Zaniyah also dumped the Chinese boy she was dating called
Kevin.
No Dejeaun dad is a
waste of space, he is also on my WhatsApp, he don’t have nothing much to do
with any of his kids either or grandkids, last I knew he was living back at
home with his elderly parents but that was many years ago, I have no idea now
what he does, he is on facebook Milton Reid, Sheffield…
Yes there are indoor swimming pools in Sheffield but you
have to book in advance to go and its not convenient to do that, in the past
you just turned up whenever you wanted and got given a coloured armband
depending what time you got there and you had to get out the pool when they
shouted your colour to come out and the pool was open all day. Things all
changed now and I can’t get my head round it, I would NEVER really go swimming
anyway to be honest, I hate swimming in the cold communal pool with all sorts
of strangers, I like spas, sauna, steam room and jacuzzi but I hate cold
swimming pools full of people, spas usually don’t have a whole bunch of people
at any one time and I love the sauna room its sooooooo hot and toasty in there
on the wooden benches. There is an outdoor swimming pool in Hathersage a
village outside of Sheffield but you need a car to get there really.
Whats happening with
you maybe moving to a new apartment? Are they still talking about that? Do you
still not want to move or do you want to move?
Have you seen or heard from Annie recently? I have heard
from Natalie by text message, but that is all, she was asking to come round to
visit me and I really didn’t want her to at all because it involves me having
to go to the bus stop with her when she wants to leave late at night and it’s a
mile walk, the bus is where the tram is, and then walk back on my own, she
doesn’t wash her hands when she goes toilet and shes going non stop because she
is drinking juice and water like a fish, then she expects something to eat too
whilst she is here, I just can do without it, for her to be talking the same
old shit every time about how she can’t do anything on her own or Delroy always
wants sex and she doesn’t like having sex with him but she has to and how he
smells of onions and has bad body odour and shes lost in life ect ect.. but she
won’t ever do nothing to change her life at all she is worse than me, she has
zero interests, she said Delroy said to her she is just sat there like a blob,
she IS…
At least I write penpals, work one day a week, listen to
podcasts and want to travel and do something, poor Natalie doesn’t want to do
anything at all, but she gets up early every morning and gets in the shower and
get dressed then just sits there all day doing what? Its difficult to fathom.
Well I did say she could come up a couple of weeks ago, but then she stopped
messaging me and never turned up, so next time she asks me I will just not
bother to invite her.
I was in town the other day I had to go to the chiropodist
or podiatrist as you call it because the toenail I had a surgery on has healed
up now but of course the toe I didn’t have done is causing me issues still, I
will have to have that done permanently also soon. Its £375 I think it will
cost. Ugh. At least once its done and healed I will be able to go back to
having pedicures at the salon again and gel polish toes! Well after I had
finished I was out, I was thinking if things were like they used to be I could
have met her and we could have gone for a coffee, but now she wont go out and
do that sort of stuff, or when she was staying in her own apartment I could
have gone to her place for a few hours, but she isn’t living there its just sat
empty and she is staying at Delroy’s place. Shes going to end up losing her
apartment If she isn’t careful and its in such a good location too shes really
lucky with the location of it.
Have you ever
thought that maybe you have Fibromyalgia? Has your doctor ever suggested it and
that’s why you are always in so much pain?
I just went to feed
Neo and hang up the laundry on my heated rack to dry, then I threw Neo outside,
he was just crying and scratching at the door to Miquelles bedroom when he has
been in for ages now before I fed him, he wanted to play but he was disturbing
her sleep so she put him out and shut the door on him. I cheated and ate a
small piece of cheese and onion quiche and I still feel hungry, I think because
everything I ate, sandwich, quiche was cold it hasn’t felt satisfying, I don’t
know, but I got to quit eating like this. I filled my hot water bottle and put
it on my back, soon I need to fill my other two and get in bed and listen to
that podcast from last night. I have three hot water bottles in total. One is
the same as I sent you last year in the box of goodies, the one I just filled
is long and thin, and the other one is even longer and thin, its called a ‘body
bottle’. When I go to fill them and put them in my bed to keep me warm I will
re-brush my teeth too. No I never bought myself a new heated blanket and
Miquelle has my old one!
I am wondering what
the mental health team will say tomorrow when they come, I am going to try my
best to explain to them how I feel like and why I feel like I do and ask them
what support they are going to offer me? But like I already said if they just want
me to go to do volunteer work I am not doing it. I am not going out of my way
to clean the apartment before they come and I am not going to get dressed
either because if I do they will say I am ok. And I am not ok. My disability
payments are up for review and I had to fill in the review forms a few weeks
ago and return them, I am terrified I am going to loose my payments, I don’t
know what I will do without it really, I am not capable of working full time
anymore at this stage in my life, been there done it and got nothing to show
for it.
Are you still babysitting for Shanice kids? Did you ever
tell her that her son broke the couch?
Yes I fear getting
cancer, especially since my dad just died of it, and my sons friend mom just
died from breast cancer she was only a few years older than me, she had it a
few years ago and was very ill and then got better and then it came back. I am
terrified of skin cancer due to how much moles and freckles are on my skin, I
have a lot of freckles on my arms and back and legs, I HATE them and it means I
can’t get the sun on me because all that happens is I get more. I am meaning to
go up to the doctors to get them all checked out soon to make sure they are all
ok.
I still want to work
on my memoir even though I never got anywhere in the contest it was still an
achievement for me that I submitted it on time and I would like to finish it
and self publish it on Amazon and Kindle if I can ‘just because’…
Miquelle has had her
braces on for about 2 years now. My dad paid in full. It was £2200 / $2842. She
is having the three teeth removed at the end of April and start of May she has
two appointments. I can’t remember the exact dates but I have it written down
in the sitting room, I am not sure which teeth but its so overall there will be
a straighter effect once the braces are removed. It is free to have the teeth
removed. We don’t have to have insurance in England!
Miquelle just
emerged from her bedroom. She had all her things to take a shower. She said she
didn’t intend to fall asleep for so long! I had no idea I thought she had gone
to bed for the night! She is showering and washing her hair and making her
preparations for morning. I said earlier in the letter she is going to school,
then has a nail appointment in the nail salon, then going to come home to get
all her overnight bag and things she needs, then going to her theatre
rehearsals and then going to Zaniyahs to sleep over and they are going to
London to watch a Kpop concert at the 02 Arena in Greenwich.
Yes Miquelles dance
tuition is costly, its about £300 every 6 weeks. That includes all her classes,
and competition entry fees, her theatre is only £30 a year luckily! Yes she has
started her dance tutor training so she can teach when she is 18!
I didn’t buy her new
towels yet, I will next month they are in my online ‘basket’ but I didn’t check
out yet. I bought her a new trash can a big one, and yes she got a hairdryer
and flat iron for Xmas from me as well as other things…I think I must have told
you in my last letter though? This book I am replying to was written even
before you knew my dad had died! It doesn’t seem like I received it soooo long
ago really but it is, and he has been passed now for 6 months if you can
believe it! Its gone so quickly. We paid Karen £5000 to leave us alone and she
took it and we got the money from the safe and my sister has it in secure bank
accounts.
Miquelle can’t start driving lessons for another year, she
is only 15 now and 16 in April, in England you have to be 17 to start driving
lessons. That will be another expense for me once she can, its £52.50 / $68 per
lesson, they don’t teach driving in schools then you have to pay for your test
on top of that and get a car, insurance ect…
Dejeaun is not
driving yet either but his auntie Vivica in London, Vivip.. have I ever
mentioned her? I must have surely well she has offered to pay for his lessons
for him Sheldon was telling us the other day. I hope he takes her up on her
offer, I think he would be a good driver.
Zaniyah was learning, her dad was paying for over a year
but she wasn’t getting anywhere so her dad got angry and stopped her lessons.
She wants to try again in an automatic this time but its hard to find a tutor
for that because all we really have here is stick shift.
I have not talked to Zaniyahs dad for ages, nothing to talk
about, no he has not always been there for her, when I was pregnant he wanted
me to have an abortion and when I didn’t he didn’t provide anything for her
that I needed, like pram or cot or other essential baby equipment or clothing,
nothing at all, then when she was born he was trying to act like nothing
happened although he knew I was going to trial and maybe jail because he had
gotton me to be a drugs mule then I got found guilty and he was not helping
with taking the kids and I had to take them to this girl called Sareenas house
and she already had 3 kids under age 5 and was a prostitute, it was all a
nightmare, its all stuff I have not written in my memoirs yet… then after I
went to prison he went to collect Dejeaun and Zaniyah from Sareenas but only
after social services tried to take them and were trying to get my dad to get
me to put them up for adoption! My dad wanted me to! Don’t think my dad has
always been a great guy, he really was not when I was growing up, and he
treated my mum horribly and when I was very vulnerable and young and at risk of
being pimped out and trafficked he was happy for me to be out on those streets
and used to put me out all the time and get me to go to buy weed for him and
stuff, and he was an alcoholic…Anyway back to Linton, he had the kids with his
mum for 3 years and then he got arrested and when he was in prison he was
having a selfish phase and made no contact or communication then got out and
started again, she didn’t understand that because when I was in prison I was in
constant contact with her and her brother and they understood what prison was,
he has helped her a lot since though so I give him that. He is paying for half
of her ticket to Jamaica and I am paying for the other half as a lot of her
wages goes on her rent and utilities and stuff. Ahhhh its all stuff I have to
write in my memoirs that I have not written yet Cookie!
I am shocked that today I have sat here and typed you 24
pages so far! 9989 words so far! I wish I could do that more often typing my
memoir and I might get somewhere with it then if I could even write 5 pages a
day! I’ve not written any new for MONTHS
Well I might as well keep going now and try to catch up
completely with your mail, I hope its as easy as I think it will be to get this
all printed off and mailed to you! I need to get a new printer of my own I
really do. Wish my old one never broke!
I get heartburn a
lot too and have to take anti acid pills we have here called ‘Guardium’ each
one lasts about three to four days but when the acid comes back its horrendous.
Yes Almost all the
pals I wrote to in February did receive the cards I sent them in the end
because I told you on an email that only you had received your mail and nobody
else did, but they did and replies have started to trickle in… I’m trying to
keep up with replying because I don’t want to get overwhelmed with loads of
letters and not able to commit to replying, I do like to get the mail and hear
about their lives. It is interesting. Most only write very short letters though
but I am just trying to match their energy, if they write one page, I write a
page, if they write 6 pages I will write 6 pages. I mailed 3 out last week, I
have one I wrote to and have not mailed yet, I will mail it when I mail this to
you, and three more to reply to, two of
them I didn’t even open and read yet because I need to catch up first with the
ones I had to write, like to you and the lady in Canada who I read her letter
but its just open on my desk, the other two envelopes are still sealed. I can’t
write anymore until I get my new pen I ordered the fountain pen and ink
cartridges from eBay, it estimated it should be here by Thursday.
I bought a notebook to write to you in it was looking so
kool on the listing and when they sent it to me it was not the notebook in the
listing it was a totally different book and it was rubbish, I was so annoyed,
they said I can return it for a refund but I don’t know if I can be bothered it
was £8.99
I have all your journals and letters in 2 fila boxes. The
new pals I bought a Filofax binder and it has loads of different compartments
and I labeled each compartment with a name and put their letters in there. I
also have a book called a penpal tracker and in it I write the dates I receive
and send letters to every pal. Some never wrote back. Some wrote once or twice,
some have written several times now, but none are like you *hearts*
I saw that show the BORROWERS when it used to be on TV, yes
it is old lol, theres a movie of it too but I never liked it. I know what you
mean about household items going missing though! Where do they disappear to?? 🤔🤔
I set alarms on my phone for everything too! I forget
otherwise! I just had to go to take my meds now, its 10.34pm now…Miquelle is
going to dry and straighten her hair, what do you want to bet that she asked me
to smooth it over for her when she finished? She can do a very good job but I
can get it smoother.
I cannot play all those games you play on your phone at
all, they’re all so boring to me and I don’t even understand how to play them,
they just are annoying and you have to keep tapping the screen and nothing
happened any different to if you don’t tap the screen it feels like! It gets on
my nerves, I just hate them. I have my apps like Reddit which I hardly use
anymore, telegram, WhatsApp, Messenger, Facebook, I can’t be without them,
messaging people all day long and all night lmao. I spend a lot of time emailing
my mum too because she isn’t on messenger anymore and only uses email. You
don’t like to message people like I do. So we are total opposites in that
sense.
I started to spend more time in my bedroom than I used to
but its still not the best, nothing like the set up I used to have at my old
apartment in my bedroom that was really big, and my big velvet sleigh bed, I
still hate my bed I currently have its too low to the ground although quite
comfy you can’t really sit up and watch TV in it or read a book as only a very
small sloping backwards headboard. Its not very good for me, but I am not
changing things over until I move now, then I will get new sofas and new bed
and things like that. I did just change my bedroom theme I shown you on email I
think. Are you still struggling to get in and out of bed? Sounds like my bed
would be perfect for you its so low!
I didn’t really like the celestial theme that I had going
on so I switched it up and bought new curtains and a leopard print jungle theme
instead, its looking so much better in here I much prefer it like this,
Miquelle just shouted to me to help her with her hair and I said NO, I don’t
want to blow dry hair, she is saying she has forgotten how to do it, she cant
have forgotten that much because she only did it a few weeks ago all by
herself. I am not falling for that bullshit, I am not standing up to blow-dry
hair at 11pm at night when I am on a roll typing and all I want to do next is
to take 2 valium, fill my other hot water bottles and get in bed and listen to
the podcast until I fall asleep. I aim to get up by 10.30am tomorrow and they
are coming at 1.30pm to see me from the mental health team. I don’t want to
need a poo when they come, loool.
I do miss drinking alcohol but it just doesn’t agree with
these meds I am on, but I miss getting up ion the morning and having a coffee
laced with brandy or rum or Irish cream liquor. I miss smoking weed but that
doesn’t agree with my medications either. I hope I don’t have to be on this
shit for the rest of my life really but it has improved my IBS no end, I used
to be on the toilet several hours a DAY it was soooo bad but now I am done in
five minutes maximum and mostly only go once a day, before I went every 12
hours. For that relief alone I would keep on taking this medication for the
rest of my life, but I want to drink alcohol and smoke weed too, it feels so
unfair.
I don’t know how to explain my gas and electricity other
than I already have, my gas I top up on an app on my phone but my electric is
like a blue plastic ‘key’ I have a meter in a box on the outside of my
apartment on the wall and I have to go to a specific shop that you can ‘top up’
electric onto your key and they have a machine they put the key into and you
give them money and they add that amount onto your key then you put it into the
machine on the wall outside my apartment and I have that much electricity to
use. I HATE it, its so annoying. I try to not let it run down very low, I have
over £50 on my meter now and I just ‘topped’ up my key by £50. Theres not much
point me sending you a video like you asked for because you don’t really go n
WhatsApp or messenger like that to see them. I used about £25 electric a WEEK
and £50 gas a MONTH maximum
Henna hair powder is what you can use to permanently colour
your hair a reddish colour, I use chestnut colour so its very mild, if you want
it stronger red you can use Auburn or mahogany colour or copper if you want it
orange… google henna hair colour on YouTube and you will see. I am going to try
to make a video next time I do mine too, I have the henna powder I just have to
get around to it in the next few weeks. It’s a long process, you have to mix
the powder the night before with water and put it in a Tupperware container and
then you put it on in the morning and leave it on all day for at least 4-6
hours, the longer you leave it the better result you get. I leave it about 8
hours, some people mix it in the morning and put it on at night and sleep with
it on their hair but I tried that once and I had a horrible nights sleep I
could not get comfy at all.
My sister had a different type of childhood than I had but
it wasn’t necessarily ‘better’ it’s a lot to explain. My dad had a girlfriend
who had a daughter and they used to always stay there and my sister had to
sleep on the floor and the other girl had a bed and my sister had to wear all
the other girls cast off hand-me-down clothes even knickers/underwear! But she
had more stability as she grew older than I did and she wasn’t like me, I was
always running away from home aged from 13+ because conditions were so bad at
home and I was being groomed which it wasn’t called back then, there was no
name for it, but I was being sexually abused by men in their mid 20s because I
was out of home and vulnerable and then by age 15 a man that was 30 and then he
took me to his niece Sareenas and I was shown how to go to work as an
Escort/Prostitute. My sister never had any of that in her life. My dad wouldn’t
take me in, he used to throw me out onto the streets.
The name Jade historically means ‘whore’ or prostitute. In
the 1700s and beyond up until the late 1800’s they used to call Prostitutes
‘Jades’. I learnt it all when I studied English Literature at University.
That’s why I HATE the name, plus it means ‘discontented woman’ in the old
dictionaries or it means ‘tired and worn out’. None of those are good meanings!
Even the name Roxana was a book in the 1700s by Daniel Defoe about a prostitute
about a woman named Roxana, it’s a good book though lol
You seem to have a
lot of shops around you in your neighborhood, I am reading the list of all the
things you have and its like it was in my old neighborhood, I miss it so much,
there is NOTHING here on this housing project please do as I asked and look at
it on Google Streetview.
London also has that
magazine called ‘Time Out’ that tells you all the things you can go to do in
London. I totally miss living in London too. Its been 15 years I have been back
in this awful small town and I feel very stuck here now. Now my sister is here,
and my son and his family, and Zaniyah where do I go? Hopefully I can move to a
different apartment though in the near future, I literally hate it here so
much. I want to go back across town where there are places I CAN walk to and
shops and parks that are nice to go to. Here I am out in the sticks and its
just so depressing ! I wanted to move to the coast, to Cleethorpes, it’s a
seaside town. The rents are cheap there and I would be able to afford to rent
privately again but my sister and Zaniyah are saying I would hate it and asking
how would I see them if I lived there? I said yes but it’s the seaside so you
would be able to come to stay with and visit ME !
My mums husband Gary
is okay, we hardly ever see him OR her and that’s how they keep it, they don’t
visit and we are not really welcome to visit there either. I like him well
enough, no one else really knows him to be honest, they hardly know my mum either
and my sister refuses to speak to her, well my mum and Gary they have their own
routine now both of them are retired and they go for drives out for lunch or
dinner and go on vacations together but they always stay in England. They don’t
have passports. I need to get a new passport photo taken and renew my passport
online next month as mine expired in November last year! I need to do it ASAP.
No Gary never met my dad, my mum and dad didn’t speak to each other for many
years, my dad treated her very cruelly when they were together. But my sister
won’t talk to my mum because my mum couldn’t cope with my sister when my dad
and her finally split up and my sister was removed from her care and went to
live with my dad. My sister is very angry and resentful but my dad prevented my
mum really from seeing my sister for 3 years and told a lot of lies to people
about my mum, it really wasn’t fair. I am older so I understand more and know
my dad was not the angel he pretended to be to people in public so I have my
mums back but my sister is like 9 years younger than me and can’t remember a
lot of shit, plus she had a totally different upbringing to me, and she doesn’t
understand my mum had a lot of struggles with her mental health too in the past
and it wasn’t easy for her.
I am onto your final
journal now! Whew loooool. I love the way you stick stickers into your journals
and photographs too! You have a unique style, I do struggle to read the
coloured pens sometimes but I can always decipher it in the end lol
Miquelle seems to have stopped blow drying her hair, its
tough, she can get Zaniyah to blow dry her hair tomorrow or something. I hate
doing hair, mine, or anybodies!
Does your home help aides still come? Who pays for them?
Why do you need them every day? You are ALWAYS doing a whole lot of cleaning
and organizing! I don’t do much at all in comparison to you but there is ALWAYS
laundry lol every day, I couldn’t cope with having to go to a laundromat, but
then there isn’t any anywhere near here at all anyway and they are very
expensive the ones that do exist, nobody needs them here because everyone has
their own in their own houses or apartments.
You know what I am soooooooooo tired and my back aching I
been sat here about 9 hours if not more lmao…. I’m going to call it a night and
sign off for now…I will let you know tomorrow afternoon after the mental health
team leave what they said and I will try to reply some if not all of your
remaining journal. For tonight now I am going to fill my hot water bottles and
take 2 valium and get in bed with my podcast I wanted to listen to on the
Forever Conscious Research Channel on YouTube. Tomorrow is another day, its
almost midnight here… I am soooooooooo glad that I actually sat here and got
soooooooo much written to you and I can mail this out and feel happy I replied
already to so much you had written and asked of me.
Night night hun and until tomorrow, chat soon
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Monday 24th March 2025
I am back hello, not sure how long I will spend today
though, I feel emotionally drained from the meeting this afternoon with the
mental health team. They came at 1.30pm. they left at 3pm. Its 5.30pm now. Miquelle
just text to say she is on the bus coming back so could I cook her a beef
burger and fries then she is going to her rehearsals and then to Zaniyahs
house. Miquelle had her nails done in town it cost £39 / $50 that’s expensive I
think anyway! I remember in London when I used to get mine done it was £10!! That
was 17 years ago! Lol. I never had my fingernails done since I lived in
Sheffield, only pedicures and I have not even been able to get that done in the
last year due to stupid ingrown toenails!
Well I think the meeting went well. I just feel emotionally
drained from it, I took another Valium afterwards and I am just going to chill
out once I get off here from writing/typing.
So they introduced themselves, the guy is from an
organisation called MIND (Mind provides information, support and campaigns for
people with mental health problems and their families.) He can work with me for
10 weeks, and the woman is from a mental health support programme of some kind,
she can work with me for a year!
I just basically told them a LOT of information about me
and how I feel and things in my past that affect me daily now and about my
mental health and stuff like that, I talked a LOT lol and they said they are
going to go away and have a meeting with the rest of the mental health team because
they had no idea about so much of the stuff that I was telling them about and
they want to help me move forward in life. They want to support me with
Miquelle moving out to go to college and me being an ’empty nester’ and find me
some programmes and activities to attend in the days I am not at the chip shop and
it will NOT be volunteer work ! lol. I told them I want to do Boxing, and I
like roller skating and I write to penpals, lol I told them I wrote to you for
about 14 years or something.
Anyway they are going to go have their meeting about me and
I am going to meet with the man on Monday next week at the library at Gleadless
Townend near the tram stop at 1pm and talk about next steps. The lady is going
to phone me. It sounds okay anyway so I will see what happens next. It seems
like it will be more useful than any other support I’ve been offered up to date
so far in the past at least. They both were really nice OR they SEEMED really
nice, who knows what they were really thinking? They told me if I join the
library I can use the printers there to print off your letter. I might phone up
tomorrow if I am in the mood and if they say I can join tomorrow then I will walk
there and do it tomorrow and I can mail you tomorrow, hopefully anyway, then I
might not go to the opticians on Wednesday I might change my appointment as I don’t
really feel like going all the way to Hillsbrough for it this week. I will be
honest I used to wear contact lenses from age 14 to 40 then one ripped in my eye
and was difficult to get out, so it scared me and put me off, that’s why I never
worn any contact lenses for almost two years now! SO I got my trial pairs but
have been too nervous to wear them! I need to get un-nervous because I want to
get back to my old self wearing lenses and wearing some bright eyeshadow and
mascara, I bought some blue mascara and bright eyeshadows but I cant wear them
with glasses as I can’t really see to put it on! I just want to feel attractive
when I go out again you know? When I wear glasses I feel like I just got out of
bed or something, I like my prescription shades but regular clear lens glasses,
I don’t mind them on lazy days or in the house but not if I want to go OUT.
Miquelle just got home with her $50 nails. They look nice but nothing particulary
special or fancy for the money really.
I am just waiting for her burgers to be more cooked then I can
do the fries.
Have you had any more packages stolen since the last ones
you wrote to me about? Its HORRIBLE when your packages get stolen. Zaniyah is
having that problem where she lives, oops I waited too long to put the fries on
and the burgers are almost cooked waaay before the fries will be ready…anyway
yes so Zaniyah was having packages stolen and then she started seeing signs
that other residents in her building had put up saying that their parcels had
been stolen and the police have been notified. Zaniyah is renting off a private
landlord.
I love the smell of ‘old spice’ aftershave and deodorant on
man.
I have done washed all my sofa throws today and put fresh
ones on before the mental health team came round, the place is still messy
though, I just put a hoody on over my pyjamas. I don’t even know that they
noticed what I was wearing anyway so it really doesn’t matter to me.
The other day the man from downstairs apartment came up
knockingon my door to tell me that there was water pouring through his ceiling
from my apartment kitchen area, my washing machine was on and I had been washing
dishes in the sink, we had a look under the cabinets and the pipes had become
disconnected but were too difficult to reach to connect back together plus that
is the councils job, so I called the council and they sent someone out within
three hours to get under the cabinet and reconnect the pipes!
Why do you keep stopping and starting on bipolar meds for? Why
don’t you just take them continuously so that you stay well instead of stopping
talking them and getting poorly again all the time? Don’t you like taking the
meds? Or is it because when you get stable and well you think you don’t need
them anymore so you stop taking them and then you end up with all your old symptoms
coming back again because you stopped your medications? That’s what it seems
like happens to you when you explain how you feel to me. And you are always
seeming to stop and start medications.
Are you really going to book a vacation or a weekend away?
With Omari or without him?
WHY do you want to go to Texas? And WHERE in Texas do you want
to go? Its SOOOO big, MASSIVE, you can fit England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales,
the entire UK into Texas 2.8 times! When I went to Texas it was like a
different world to England, everything was so big and there was NO, ZERO public
transport, not even taxis in Amarillo, everything was so far apart from each
other and walking was not possible and it was impossible to cross the roads
there was no crossings. I think you will find it’s a whole different world to
Brooklyn, are you sure you want to go there? Alone? What will you do there?
Florida I can understand as its more of a tourist destination
and had beaches and things but where exactly in Florida do you want to go too? And
WHY?
Why do you want to close your bank account? I have had my
bank account since I was in jail. They took us out escorted from the jail in groups
of 4 to open bank accounts in like 2004 or 2005 because they said the world was
changing and you HAD to have a bank account to be able to pay bills or get welfare
benefits or have wages paid in.
Did you get back the android phone that was lost/stolen?
I can’t cope without my phone. My contract runs out in November
and then I will upgrade to a new phone, but it will be another Sony Xperia as
that is the only type of android I like. I HATE iphones and Samsung, I can’t
figure out how to use either. I have my phone next to me or in my hand
CONSTANTLY even when I am asleep, I have my phone playing podcasts or ASMR so I
can sleep.
You have to stop having all these vaccines, they are not
good for you and no doubt contributing to your ill health and allergies, I am
serious. I wish you wouldn’t have so many. We don’t. You have had far too many
and you keep letting them give you more and they tell you that you will die without
them; but that’s just not true Roddi!
Now to the questions:
1) What
do you mean by ‘brain is like glass walls and cotton wool’? I think that is my
autism. I don’t know how to explain it. Its like my thoughts are just ‘stuck’
and I can’t express myself or I don’t have any thoughts at all and my mind is
just a blank and feels ‘slippery’. Does that help make any more sense? I know
what I mean but I just can’t explain it.
2) Do you
use the computer or an App to check medical records? Communicate with the doctor
or check lab results? Make appointments? NO, I phone up to make an appointment,
I don’t have any tests done that I need to access results for, I did have the NHS
app that let me access all my medical notes and history a few years ago but I
don’t need it so I deleted the app, I can always re-add it again if I needed it
but in England we don’t communicate with the doctor via an app or on the
computer we have to physically go to the drs in person.
3) What are
5 urgent things you need to do in the next 2 weeks? Nothing that I can think of.
All I have to do is phone up to get appointment for my gold crown tooth, print
off this letter and mail it to you, catch up with letters to my penpals, meet
that man from the MIND organisation next Monday at 1pm.
4) Name 5
things you want to improve about yourself? Shower more like I used to, shave
more like I used to, wash my hair more like I used to, so all hygiene issues,
get out the apartment more, not feel depressed.
5) Name 5
things you want to improve at home? Do more cleaning
6) Name
1-3 places you hope to travel locally in 2025? Well I will consider local as in
the UK sooooo Skegness, Cleethorpes and I wanted to go to Bournemouth, or maybe
the isle of wight on a coach trip.
7) Name
up to 5 major purchases you want to make in 2025? Only my gold crown tooth, I don’t
want to replace sofas or beds until I move
8) Name up
to 5 things you dislike about yourself? Freckles, moles, bad eyesight, anxiety,
depression
9) Name
up to 5 things you love about yourself? Can’t think of anything!
10)
If you could do without 3 people forever who
would you choose and why? I don’t have an answer.
11)
If you could spend 24 hours / 7 days / 365 days
a year with 3 people from now until you die who would you pick and why? That’s a
dumb ass question lol. Who would want to spend all that time constantly with
other people and no time for themselves?
12)
If you could would you buy your home or will
you always be a renter? If I could buy a home I would, but NOT THIS apartment! No
way. I would buy an apartment in the city centre in town. But my dad didn’t leave
me enough money to do that lol
13)
If you were told you had a choice to be any
shape size, weight eye colour hair colour what would your dream self look like?
5 feet 6 inches tall, long dark hair, olive skin, small feet and hands, size 14
UK dress size and brown eyes and NO freckles or moles at all.
14)
Do you think you will ever be with the man of
your dreams? I literally have no idea, I thought I would be in the past, I thought
Julian was going to be that man, I HOPE I meet that man, but right now I literally
have no idea. Someone I find attractive who wont lie or cheat or be mean to me
is all I want these days, someone caring over me who is real, someone what wants
to travel with me and maybe has a decent job so they already own a house or we
can buy a house together in a neighbourhood that I want to be in.
15)
If you could afford a maid would you have one? YES
I would, and a cook, lol yes I would, to cook me Trini food all day lol
16)
How often have you washed your hair lately? Once
a week
17)
Do you have any repairs or things broken? The bathroom
sink just stays blocked up, the water wont go down it fills up and takes ages
to drain, they been out twice to fix it but its still the same so I have
appointment they are coming back on the 4th April for that and the
12th to redo the sealant around the bath tub because it is all mouldy
and coming off
18)
What do you do before 12 noon Are you motivated?
NO I usually am in bed until 12 noon at least.
19)
What do you do between 12pm to 5pm? Are you
motivated? Not especially, I get up and try to do some tidying or cleaning and
put some laundry in and lay down on sofa watching TV or write penpals recently.
I usually shower very late and just get in bed.
20)
In the last 30 days how often have you gone out
of the apartment that’s not involving an errand or Miquelle, only pleasure,
fun, meet up or date? ZERO times
21)
Name up to 4 places that’s less than a 20
minutes walk from you..park, store or shop, school, houses ect… there is
nothing… there is a convenience store at the bottom of Fluery Rd 5 mins walk
downhill but all uphill back, Newfield Green has shops where Dejeaun lives that’s
a 15 minute walk downhill but all uphill back, 15 minutes walk the opposite direction
to some shops and the tram stop. There are no parks anywhere near here, that’s what
the mental health team were saying today, I told them you had been saying I need
to go for walks but they also agreed there is nowhere round here to walk to.
22)
Do you smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol or weed?
Not any more. I started smoking tobacco again over Xmas but I quit again as I don’t
like it.
23)
Name 5 things you want to give up or stop in
2025? Nothing really because I don’t do anything!
24)
Name some financial goals you have Feb to March
2025? I don’t have any
25)
Whats my fave app on my phone? WhatsApp. I am
on it all the time messaging I would be lost without it and Facebook and FB
messenger
26)
Name 3 things in 2025 that you won’t try to do,
that you did in previous years? I don’t know.
27)
Did you stop eating meat? No but I want to
28)
How often did you cook for Miquelle in January?
Maybe 3 times a week
29)
How often did you clean up after Miquelle in
January? Probably all the time although I stopped giving her any allowance if
she does not keep her room clean so she has been cleaning her room or she has
no money. She gets £45 / $58 a week and out of that has to spend £15 on her bus
and tram pass for the week.
30)
Is Karen still bothering us for $$$ ? NO we paid
her off with 5k settlement
31)
Am I still gonna get rid of the cat? I answered
that earlier in my letter. I don’t see how I can but I hope Miquelle will be
able to take him to live with her at her earliest convenience.
32)
At what age did you start to believe you were
different from those around you? What make you think that? Do you believe you
have identity issues? That’s a lot of a question! I always felt different from
other kids around me from a very very young age, I don’t even know why, mostly
because they used to play ‘out loud’ but I played ‘in my head’ meaning they
talked their games like for example playing ‘Barbie’s’ they made their Barbie’s
talk out loud but I couldn’t do that I only made mine speak in my head. I used
to always be on my own in the school yard with no friends, we were different
from the other kids in school who were fully English (it was an English neighbourhood)
but that was because we had a Jewish father and I didn’t understand that we
didn’t have English customs at home like the others, but because my dad didn’t
follow his religion and had left it behind we were ostracised from the extended
family completely. We had Xmas and Easter but it wasn’t like other kids, who
had family to visit and be visited by and had good times, it was always lonely and
quiet. I wanted to be a popular kid but I was never, I was always the too-tall-lanky-skinny-stringy-haired
girl. Growing up our house was very dirty and not much food and lots of animals
(4 cats and 2 dogs) and faeces everywhere and fleas ect… it was very miserable.
I often think I was born into the wrong family at the wrong time and when I was
little for as long as I could remember I hated being me and wanted to be anyone
else other than me. I never liked myself even as a child.
I love succulent and cactus plants! I have a bunch of them
that are quite big. I hope the cat didn’t eat yours! Lol
Well that’s me all caught up with your mails!!!
And just like that its almost 8pm and dark outside and the day just FLEW. I hope I can get up early tomorrow to phone the library and ask about coming in to open an account with them and use the printer and I hope I can manage to actually get out and then I can print this letter and mail it! Hope its all stuff that you didn’t already know considering we have not communicated over messenger or email recently so hope you enjoy reading it and I hope to hear from you in the near future x
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